I met this guy. He was roughly about 6'2. In terms of his weight...well..let's just say he doesn't miss too many meals..fluffy if you will. Skin is beautiful..even tone..darker than a thousand starless nights. Urban dresser but not too thugged out. He's patriotic. Hey, I mean the guy is battling for our freedom and civil liberties in foreign territories. What a guy, huh?
We had a few dates. A couple of late night tete a^tetes. Yet mostly our short lived -fly by night-relationship really didn't stand a chance. I mean, this guy obviously was birthed and raised in the land of fruit and nuts. He would say and do things that just defied logic and good sense. Case in point: I was on my way to a meeting when my cell phone tinkered. Yeah, it was him. We talked about my 10 y.o. son's blind ambition to work offense on his pee wee football squad as opposed to defense. (I was just thrilled that they allowed my son to play cuz he didnt even know how to catch a football! Lol.) I don't know if it was the convo that was making him feel warm and fuzzy or what. But the next thing he asked almost made my car do a double back handspring in the middle of after school traffic.
He asked me to MARRY HIM!!!!!! What in the Nova Scotia is this dude thinking?? I mean, the silence was so thick you could FEEL it. You could hear a mouse pee pee on cotton. Ok. I had to manuever tactfully and carefully, right? I gently informed him that there was a higher likelyhood of Milli Vanilli making a comeback (and one of the members is deceased) then me becoming his Mrs. First off, I was and still am legally married. (My hubby and I are in divorce mode). Secondly, we hadn't known each other long enough! He asked that when he returned from his duty overseas that I would be divorced. Sorry Captain Kirk. I ain't makin' no promises today (or tomorrow for that matter).
Our interconnection just became more peculiar with each passing day. He asked me to call him after that meeting. Once the kiddos were nestled and all snug in their beds, I decided to ring him. He picked up the phone and told me that he never wanted to speak to me again and stop calling him!! (Dial tone).
Ooooooooooook. Yeah. That was a scene straight out of the Twilight Zone. Yet, being the cerebral mastermind that I profess to be (lol), I had a theory. See, there were certain backround noises that indicated that there was someone else present during this call. Mhmmm, that's right. ANOTHER WOMAN!!! (Audible gasp). Needless to say that this guy was outta here. Historical. I put this guy on the one way train to Sayonaraville. After this daubaucle, he had the cajones to keep trying to call me and get back. Sorry, but I don't chew my cabbage twice. This guy was relentless though. He just wouldn't stop calling and texting. Finally, one day I answered just to get some peace. He told me that he was about to head on over to desert land with his unit. Yeah, ok. You're telling me this because.......he said that he had a girlfriend and he just wanted to make sure that I wasn't mad. Wow. If this wasnt so pathetic, it would be comical. I congratulated him, wished him Godspeed and promptly ended the call. Whew. I'll never hear from him again, I thought. Now I don't have to tell my wireless provider to change my number.
Fast forward a couple of months. I'm on my boogie board surfing the world wide net when my cell starts ringing. When I check the screen I see a series of numbers that don't look familiar at all. I decided to pass on answering. Throughout the weeks this same set of numbers would appear. Eventually, curiousity just about killed this cat. I answered. BIG MISTAKE. It was Mr. Norman Bates in chocolate form. He said that he was calling to let me know that he had finally tied the knot with some unsuspecting victim. Really? He also wanted to make sure that I didn't hold any ill feelings towards him. Sigh. Why would I? I'm good. I informed him that all is well but I need him to back off and stop calling. A week or so later, he kept calling. Calling some more. Dang, he's working on your last nerve too, huh?
I knew I had to squash this somehow. On this fateful day, I was enjoying a quiet stroll through a local bookstore. My cell chirped. Annoyed, I looked at the id. Well, what do you know? Mr. Bug-a Boo is on line 2!!
I hit the talk button. He asked me why I hadn't been answering my phone. Is this guy for real?? I unleashed such a torrent of foul and disdainful language that even a sailor would have been embarrassed. A bookstore wouldn't have been my first choice to vent especially because the patrons were watching me as if I had just escaped from the asylum. Oh well, we do we must.Will I hear from him ever again?
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