Posted by Cerebrally_Orgasmic
Question. Will us femme fatales ever be seen as equal to our male counterparts when it comes to this slippery slope that we call "relationships?" Based on my own exploits and experiences, my answer would be a loud and resounding HECK NAWL!!!
Now, don't trip. This ain't no male bashin'-waitin-to-exhale-all-men-are-dogs kinda post (I'll get to that another day).
Nawl, what I'm writing about today is so up close and personal that you can smell what kind of breath mint I've been using. Yeah..LIKE THAT. Prepare yourself.
My hubby is very complimentary. I love that about him. Tellin' me how he likes the hip, dip and slip of my luxurious landscape. The fact that I'm a ride or die type of wife and mom. These words sound like they would tickle the eardrum of any red blooded woman, am I right? There's just one problem. He's not what one would call an equal opportunity type guy. Allow me to break it down. He feels like because he is a man, there are certain things that he is able to do but I am not.
What exactly am I talkin' about? Interactions on the Book. Facebook, that is. See, my life partner starts sweatin' and screw facin' whenever he sees some of the pics that I add to my page. He claims that he doesn't want other dudes lookin' at what belongs to him and only him. Now mind you, the only men that I have on my friends list are my relatives and his. Maybe a couple of old family friends sprinkled in here and there. Nothing major. Said that it doesn't matter. He says that men will look regardless of the relationship.
Ok. I hear what he's saying. I'm not a man so, true enough I don't know how their minds work. BUT, if that's the case then why does he get to troll through different profiles of women with names like "Mirandameltonmelikecandlewax?" Ya know the kinds of raunchy and ratchet pics where the woman's toes have committed suicide on the front of her scuffed high heel sandals and she has the nerve to have one leg cocked up on a rusty bathroom sink? Mmhmmm...exactly. Now do you see why our disagreements get so hood that they need to be uploaded to Worldstar?
Personally, I don't think it's right. Why does he feel like its ok to set the standard for me but then he has a whole 'nother set of rules for himself? He can look at women, but doesn't want men lookin' at me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but fair exchange ain't no robbery!!
Posted by Cerebrally_Orgasmic
My hubby and I are fantastically, ridiculously, passionately, undeniably...in love. At least 75-90 % of the time. We've fought the Battle of the Baby Mamas and came out victoriously. He's seen me without my bangin' Beyonce hairpieces and hasn't went screamin'out in the street in his boxers and doorag hollerin 'bout everything he knew was a lie. In other words,we pretty much keep it a hunnid.
Now my sexy boo boo bear is not what you would call sociable. In fact, he would much rather drink muddy hot dog water than to sit 'round a whole bunch of folks shuckin' and jivin' and chit chattin' it up all night. As for me, wellllll.....I kinda fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. Whoopin' and hollerin' with a gang of my homegurls is one of the things I most enjoy doin'. Enter stage left Facebook. I loved it!! It was like gettin' together and catchin' up over a drink with old homegurls I ain't seen in a month of Sundays via internet style!! Man, this was the bizness!!!
Being somewhat of a social standoff, my suga' dumplin' declined his ticket to ride on the FB train. Felt like there might be a lil' too much daytime drama for his taste. One day he decided to go slidin' through my public pics that I had on display. As he goes scrollin' down my page I hear some gruntin' and grumblin' comin' from his gut. Mmmmmm...not a good sign. He then proceeds to show and tell me what he wants me to do. My baby SHOWS me the flicks he doesn't approve of and TELLS me to delete them!! Starin' at my page, he tells me that all "back shots" aka "booty shots" need to be rubbed out and removed IMMEDIATELY. Ok, ok. I could see that. Next, my pissed off partner says that I need take down any photos that show my shape off in any form or fashion even if it wasn't a bootylicious shot. Dang! He delivered the verdict but I didn't even get a fair trial!!
Whoa now! He couldn't possibly be serious. Yet the mean mug and side eye stare let me know that he wasn't playin'. The way I saw it I had two choices. DOOR #1- Gone 'head and take them pics down so that my sexy spouse wouldn't have my head on a platter or DOOR #2- Leave them where they were and risk his wrath but possibly have really great makeup sex later. I decided to exercise my right to be rebellious and told him...no. The voice on my walkie talkie inside my conscience was screechin' and cracklin' "SHOTS FIRED!! SHOTS FIRED!!"
It was at this point that my husband and bestest friend declared...WAR.
Ahhh, yes. Just got finished takin' a nice, hot, relaxin' shower. After givin' it alot of thought (and swallowin' that huge basketball lump in my throat called PRIDE) I decided to wave the white flag of surrender. I was not only gonna take the pics down, but was willin' to deep six my account. When I walked in our bedroom he asked me how could he access HIS FB account from the Ipad. WHAT IN THE NAME OF PIG FEET AND HAIR GREASE DID HE JUST ASK ME??!! HIS FB ACCOUNT??!! It was like I had the taste and teeth knocked clean out of my mouth. No, he didn't!!!! Oh, it just got real up in this beyotch!!!
The next mornin' I woke up still somewhat swole. I grabbed my laptop to see exactly what my husband had been up to. Chile',
what I saw next made me wanna...
If this negroid don't get them broke-down-ashy-knees-Walmart-weave-wearin-lips-so-chapped-they-could-cut-glass-havin'-trashy-trick-behind-tramps off his so called friends list,then it's 'bout to get real stanky up in this piece!! Ain't that just like a man to be hypocritical??!! Now, he made me get rid of all my exes and male friends that wasn't some kin to us, but then he could turn right around and do the opposite? Chile' please. Remember those toot-it-and boot it shots my man asked me to take down before? Humph. Put 'em right back up there with the quickness plus a new one. Added some folks to my list. Honey, wasn't NOTHIN' civil 'bout this war.
This situation had escalated to nasty and skanky proportions. Sadly, neither one of us would stand down. We were both just as stubborn as Mr. Ed. Here's what I knew. We were both danglin' dangerously off a cliff and if one of us didn't call a truce, then we would go tumblin' off headfirst. I had enough. It had just gotten past redonkulous (yes, I said rendonkulous, not ridiculous). Stompin' around the crib not speakin'.Sleepin' on the edge of the bed so that no part of my body would touch his. Forget about makeup sex or sex of any kind. I had put a padlock and ball and chain on all my lovely lady lumps. Somewhere along the line I came to the conclusion that FB just wasn't worth what me and my husband were doin' to one another. I decided to shut the Book down. Later that day, he received a call from one of his people down South. She informed him that one of his baby mamas had gotten WAY out of pocket. This jealous jawn posts her convo that she had with my hubby on her page. But that ain't all.
She then proceeds to tell all her lil' FB friends that I was insecure because I told my husband that if he needed to discuss anything about their son, then she could send him a message but he did NOT need to add her as a friend. It was the same regarding my kids fathers. This chick was hotter than my 8th grade Algebra's teacher's breath cuz he let herknow what was really up. At this point, is when my carmel cream threw in the towel. He confirmed that this was way more drama then he was willing to deal with. As a result, he asked me to shut it down. Smilin' and cheesin' like Chester the Cheetah, I happily obliged. All was right in our world...again.
Let me end by speakin' this truth. This post was not meant to smash or trash FB. By no means am I sayin' that it's evil and that Mark Zuckerberg is the devil in a blue suit for even creatin' this. I actually enjoyed the time I spent on it (probably WAYYYY too much time). But when it became a threat to disintegrate the ties that my man and I had spent all these years building, well...NOTHING is worth that.
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