"They won't let me out..they won't let me out..I'm locked up!"
It was one of those lazy, laid back, kids-are-in-school kind of days. My mom & I were casually chillin' & conversatin' about my current choice of..shall we say..chocolate. She thought that my sweetmeat of the week was a military master named Jeff. Welllllllllllll...no. At this point, the best course of action would've been to zip it (my mouth), lock it, & put it into my pocket, but not me. I sometimes talk so much, it's as if my mouth is runnin' on a treadmill.
I cheerfully informed her that there was someone else that was occupying the corners of my mind. Once she guessed who it was, things took a seismatic shift in the crust of our interconnection. She ranted & raged about how I was making a dastardly decision. My mamacita pressed and pleaded about how my new boo boo & I would probably end up having our own Shakesperian tragedy rivaling that of Bobby & Whitney.
Honestly Mom. Does just about every convo between us have to turn into our own personal daytime drama? Sigh. With each word that is being exchanged, it is becoming clearer & clearer that she doesn't know as much about me as she thinks she does. This is the type of stallion my matriarch would like to see me lasso in:
Mmm. As tempting and tasty as this tender morsel might seem, I think I'll pass. This might normally be the type that would grab my attention:
My current companion is actually a tall glass of gentleman with a side twist of thugliciousness. My momma just can't seem to wrap her mind around this mind-boggling concept. How could her precious progeny possibly be linked up with this imposing image of muscle mass & endless rivers of indigo ink sprayed & tatted all over his canvas? Yes, yes I know. My madre only wants me to have top shelf like the Hill Harpers & the Cornel West's of the world. BREAKING NEWS FLASH: IT MORE THAN LIKELY WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
More than anything I wish that she understood that my choices involving men are not a personal body slam to her intellect or integrity. It's simply about a matter of..choice and preference. I often pray that my decision does not put a wedge in between the door of our special alliance. Yet I realize that I am no longer a child who needs to actively seek her mommy's applause & approval. If I could adaquately explain this to her in song & verse here's what I would say:
I'm sorry Momma
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonite I'm cleanin' out my closet
Eminem "Cleanin' Out My Closet" lyrics
Thinkin' she might be a motorcycle mami for Harley Davidson or perhaps the newest starlet to head up the reality series LA Ink? Hmm. Not quite. For those who don't make it a point of keepin' up with Hollywood's hottest, let me give you an instantaneous intro. This is the chick( Michelle McGee) that was...shall we say.."choppin' it up" with Mizz Sandy Bullock's horny hubby, a Mr. Jesse James.
Mmhmm. Unfortunately, sticky situations like this one have become quite common and customary in La-La land. Yet, it's what this cheatin' chica said about relationships that really made me sit up and take notice:
"All men cheat.Women need to accept that."
At first I'm thinkin' that Mizz Motor-Mouth McGee deserved a buttery-black-hand-side BITCH SLAP for makin' such a mindless and moronic statement. Yet, I decided to digress for a sec. Could Michelle's mantra indeed be THE transcendental truth that we as ladies need to accept regardin' relationships with the men in our lives? Have we as women failed to understand our men's needs by allowin' them to tap into the primal part of their personalities?
Since I consider myself to be somewhat of a thinker, I decided to investigate this matter a tad further. I mean statistically speakin', what are the numbers sayin' about our testerone -fueled tigers? In most studies the statistics were somewhat skewed. Yet the general average said that about 50-60% of married men step out on their better half while women come in at about roughly 45-55%. Shoot, I guess ladies are pimps too!!
Question. Why cheat? If you're wifey or boo is no longer igniting that fire the way they used to or you want to be like Luda said and have ho*s in different area codes, why not just live the swingin' single life? You could do as many women or men as your bedsprings will hold and not really have to explain yourself to anyone. Why say that you will be committed to that one clueless chico or chica? Then, as soon as their back is turned, the chase is back on!!
I don't know how anybody else feels about it, but I REFUSE to accept that statement as my way of thinkin' about men and their cheatin' hearts. It is my personal belief that despite these staggerin' statistics, that there ARE indeed some men who are able to keep it real AND at home. Unfortunately, the men who allow their snakes to be charmed by someone other than their woman, are the bad apples who can spoil the whole bunch.
To all my double-crossin' don's and diva's I have a special dedication for you today. Check it out:
Men beware!! We women can usually tell when things ain't quite right:
I was tired...
Busted and disgusted...
Weary and worn out
From this brotha' hollerin' 'bout
How I was a REAL woman..
How I was so, so thick with it..
Talkin' bout how he wanted to take me out...
How he wanted to rain on me so that I would no longer feel the drought of bein' lonely and listless...
Kingless and manless...
Jealous and heartless...
Promises were made and exchanged and then
Dates were arranged and then at the last minute changed..
But just when the moon was 'bout ready to change places with the sun
Here he comes callin' me...
Sayin' that he wants to see me..
How deeply sorry that he left me hangin'
Just so that he could go bangin' the bedsprings of some other unsuspectin' broad...
No, his black tail didn't
Just try to disrespect my intellect
By rejectin' and neglectin' the fact that I am supposed to be
His Rachel Ray seasonin' and tenderizin' that meat...
His Janet-Jack-Me while sweatin' and soilin' them pretty white Egyptian cotton sheets...
But he didn't appreciate me bein' his bedmate, his cellmate, his soul mate, his helpmate...
Man, I couldn't wait for the winds to change and backdate to the love we once had
But it's too bad...that day never came...
I was done with the games and tryin' to take the blame for actions and circumstances That HE created..
Felt like love was WAY overrated and I hated myself for gettin' caught up and out in another afternoon episode of "The Young and the Loveless"...
Yet I digress cuz when I met you with all the finesse that you possess
It made me double back..do a triple take...
I mean, what other man could keep me up until daybreak tellin' me that my heartaches and pain would be a thing of the past...
Can I finally start singin' like Etta "At last my love has come along..."
"...I belong to you" like Rome sings is the anthem that I want you to bring everytime
We're baskin' in each other's beauty and energy...
Please don't walk away for if you do
My feet may follow but my heart will become untrue...
**SIDEBAR: I MADE REFERENCES TO TWO VERY TALENTED ARTISTS:
MS ETTA JAMES & ROME. LET YOUR EARS TAKE YOU ON A MUSICAL JOURNEY. ENJOY.
My madre was in the process of flyin' the friendly skies on down there to Florida where the homegoin' services were bein' held. Meanwhile, I back in here in the land of the Texas two step and barbeques, was stuck in a dilemma. Man, that was gonna be a 24 hour drive. Plus, my finances were so tight that you would think I had a girdle fastened around my dinero!! I sucked in a watery, shaky breath and contacted my bank to check my ever shrinkin' bank account.
Well, wonders never cease!! I ended up havin' more cushion for the pushin' than I expected so this trip was on and poppin' baby!! Yes, this get-a-away was gonna drain my account so dry that it looked like the Sahara Desert but so what? Indeed, we would have to feast on PB&J sandwiches for the rest of the month but I didn't care. My best friend needed me. Some eight hours later, my rat pack and I loaded up the truck and hit the dusty trail!!
Needless to say that once we reached our destination, the sacrifice was all well worth it. Keep in mind that she had NO idea that we were comin'. My mom was so, so shocked and surprised. She cried, laughed, guffawed out loud and lifted holy hands ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! Hey! It takes a real display of talent to express so many different emotions at one time!! A couple of days later while I was casually loungin' at my grandfather's, I received a phone call. To my surprise, it was one of my favorite childhood bullies. He had heard from my cuz that I was down there for the funeral and he just wanted to say hey. At that very moment a very strange and surreal feelin'came over me. I asked him to drop by and visit. WHAT??!!
He came about 20 minutes later. I stepped outside expectin' to see the same skinny, kinda scrawny dude who was always goin' out of his way to be a donkey's behind every time he saw me. Honey, what I actually SAW was an endless river of carmel creamed skin that was beautifully inked with an array of the sexiest tats that I think that I had ever feasted my eyes on. I thought that I would never stop lookin' up at this dude. I mean, he's like the Empire State building tall! Just....breathtakin'. I gotta be real. I was only expectin' to talk to him maybe about 15-20 minutes. It wasn't like we were best of friends growin' up or anything.
As he and I began to chat it up, your girl learned some very..shall we say..interestin' information.
He told me that the reason that he was always so mean to me was because he was secretly crushin'! Are you serious??!! I never would have guessed that one!! Anywhooters, we continued to catch each other up on what was goin' on in each others' lives. I mean, let's face it. The last time that we interacted was about 15 years prior. Here's the part that really had me shook. I was really startin' to feel this gentleman. He was very easy on the eyes. I won't deny that. Yet, it was his stimulation of my cerebral cavity that really had me goin'. Was it really possible? I mean, the guy who I had once wished would step out in front of a movin' train was turnin' on my light switch in ways that I didn't think was possible.
We were both so drawn that we ended up spendin' the ENTIRE night together. Literally. I mean the sun was makin' it's way over the horizon by the time we pulled oursleves away from each other. Now, don't be shakin' your head and waggin' your finger!! I didn't let him tap it or wax it. We just spent the entire night talkin'. Ok. Maybe a few stolen kisses here and there but he did NOT get my panties as a souvenir or trophy. Lol.
It's been a lil' over a month. Things are goin' fantastically well considerin' that we're close to 2,000 miles apart. We talk and text every day as if we live in the same city. Logically, it all makes very little sense. We hadn't stayed in touch after all these years. We just met up with each other again one night and have bonded as tight as the glue on a weave. Incredible. He and I will be meeting up again come this summer and we're both thrilled beyond belief. The interconnection that we share defies my human understandin'. Don't worry. I haven't completely lost my head. We're takin' things as they come. But this time, I intend to grab life by the horns and just ride it out and..enjoy.
I hit the highway on a mission to hurry up and get home so I could see about my lil' mini me's and start gettin' ready for my girls night out. My 15 y.o. son decides to ring-ring my cellie to politely remind me that I owed him a trip to The Wonderful World of Wally. Yep, that's right. You guessed it. Walmart (sigh). No prob. I was gonna take care of my motherly responsibilities and then bid my cherished cherubs a very good night!!! I could already taste that Tanqueray and OJ baby!!
Once we hit those automatic doors at Wally's, we all split and went our separate ways. Nothing new. This was our basic routine. Me and my 2 daughter's hit the men's department while my 15 y.o. son went to go check out the latest anime trading cards. I was feelin' rather tickled and tingly cuz I had just found THE nicest men's fedora this side of the Lone Star State to top off my sexy and slick outfit for the night. Yet, my oldest son had suddenly gone MIA and we couldn't find him even with the most sophisticated GPS system. Where in the name of flies and french fries was he at??!!
Since impatience is my middle name, I decided that I was tired of waiting for my son to be like David Copperfield and just magically show up. I told my daughter that she and my son could meet me up front so that I could give Wally World my hard earned cash. Well, once the chummy and cordial cashier rang up our purchases, it was time to two step it on out of there. Finally!! We were on the way out the door when the store's sensor goes off. The gregarious greeter gently touched my son on the elbow and asked him to come back in. He walked towards me and said that the greeter said that she needed to see the receipt. WHAT??!! I was just about to hit up Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson on my cellie to scream racism when three very surly security guards asked me to follow them.
Ok. My skin is now prickly and runnin' a fever of about 104 degrees. My daughter is in the backround singin' Marvin Gaye's tune of What's Goin On. They take me and my male offspring into this tiny 4x6 area which obviously is their private batcave. All of a sudden I'm feelin' caged in like:
I was sweatin' like a pig in a slaughterhouse, but I noticed that my son was as icy and cool as an Eskimo in the Ice Capades. Hmm. The head honcho was askin' my seed if he knew why he was back there but my son was still pretendin' and playin' games. My heartbeat rate was somewhere between stress induced coma and sudden death because the realization of what my son did just came crashin' down on me like an avalanche on Mt Everest. The rent-a-cop continued on with his interrogation with my son. He still maintained his innocence. This dude had another trick up his sleeve. He pulled out a Walmart bag full of empty, toilet-dipped foil wrappers. The light began to slowly leave my son's eyes as he began to realize that he had been...BUSTED!!
Like a flash, my thievin' teen of son pulls out a stack of trading cards out of his jacket pocket almost as long as the Nile River. Just stick a fork in me and call me DONE, ok? The store manager who bore a very scary and striking resemblance to the Grim Reaper, informed me that they decided not to press charges. However, they were goin' to call our local police department and have them issue a criminal trespassing citation. What did that mean for Cassius the Cat Burgular? It meant that he would be forever banned from comin' in the store or bein' on the property PERIOD. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not quite done. He is no longer able to darken the doorway of ANY Walmart property (includin' Sam's Club) in any of our fair 50 states. They said if they see him again on the property he would be arrested on site.
This is the 2nd time that my son has been issued a criminal tresspassing citation. What really gives me pause is the fact that it visibly didnt seem to phase him AT ALL. He was extremely arrogant with me as well as with the store personnel. His conscience appears to be seared. I pray that he isn't a sociopath in trainin'. Chile', I'm here to tell you that tryin' to raise a man is no easy task!!!
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- ► May (3)