Mama's Movie Review!!

Question. Would you be willing to put your own life at risk to get the things you've always wanted? What kinds of things would you do to get fame and fortune? What if you could get just about any beautiful bambino or handsome hunk that your heart desired? Would ya do it? If your answer was "heck yeah, fa sho', prolly or maybe," than what ya waitin' on? Ya need to hit up Netflix or Redbox and check this flick out!



I had never seen or heard of this moving picture masterpiece. Consequently, when I saw that my main man Robert Deniro was in this one, I was DEFINITELY all in! This one is about a dude who's down on his luck. I mean, his woman told him sayanora. He lives in a dump that would make the projects look like Hollywood Hills. Pathetic. But then, in comes his guardian angel wearin' a black Brook Brothers suit. Here is where the thrill ride begins and never stops.

Shut Your Pothole!!

Ever feel like your mouth is movin' at about 150 mph while your brain is strugglin' to catch up?
I have to say that I don't ALWAYS feel like Mrs. Mary Motormouth. Yet when I'm in the presence of my mama, I have more slips of the lip than a crooked politician. Sigh. Is it really a mystery as to why she ALWAYS has a sideways opinion about my choice of men and how my children are wreaking havoc?



I wish I could blame this pathetic perdicament on some sad, unsuspecting sap. Wouldn't that make my life so much more bearable? But today, I'm puttin' on my big girl briefs and ownin' up to my own flaw. I TELL MY MOM WAY MORE THAN SHE NEEDS TO KNOW. Say, do they make Immodium AD for "diarrhea of the mouth?" If so, I need to go to Wally World and stock up!!




If my daughter and I get into a girl fight, I tell my mom. When my son decided to run around the house wearin' scarves on his head and randomly beltin' out show tunes, I told my momma. (She then proceeded to break out the annointed oil and lay hands on him). How about the time my super sexy fiance made me mad enough to want to finely grind up some glass shards and coat his freshly fried tilipia with it? You'll never guess who I told? Go on, guess!! Congratulations!! If you said "my mother," you win the grand prize of $3.oo and some coupons to Little Caesar's! (Sorry, but this economic depression is affectin' my dividends).




Ya know what's so weird? I get totally ticked off when she gives me her two cents concerning my own personal daytime drama! Why in the name of wigs and weaves would I be gettin' hot for? It's my own darn fault!! If I could learn how to lasso my own lips, then my mom wouldn't offer her advice that I usually don't want to follow anyway!!



Please allow my sad situation to be a word to the wise. If you don't want people givin' out free advice regardin' your cheatin' man or dead end job, then ya might want to keep those tasty lil' tidbits to yourself!!

My Secret Garden...

Surprisingly....yes. But..should all secrets be kept silent? What about if you're in a relationship with the man or woman of your dreams? Is it ok to keep some things hidden in our closet of "classified information?" What should be kept sacred and what should be spilled like the grape kool-aid on someone's kitchen table?



Ok. I have a man. Yay me!! (clappin' hands). I'm not talkin' 'bout a -call me-at 2:45 in- da mornin'-beat- da- stuffin'- up-and-then-leave type of dude. Nah uh. This here thang is SER-I-OUS. Ya know, when you stand in front of a preacher and promise that you'll stay faithful to your sweetie all while givin' them the crooked side? Mhmm. IT'S LIKE THAT. Anywhooters, we have a somewhat..unique arrangement. See, we made some resolute relationship regulations. Here it goes. When he opens my closet, he shouldn't see any of these ghoulish guys takin' up residence:



Get the idea? NO SKELETONS. NOTHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIDDEN. In other words, he wants us to tell it ALL. I admit, it SEEMS like a good idea. But...just how PRACTICAL is it? Blame it on my worldly ways, but some secrets should NEVER see the light of day.



I know this makes me seem like I'm some sort of she-monster or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's just..well...if I feel like my secret will be like a sucker punch to his emotions, feelings and his manhood then I ain't tellin'! Hey! Sometimes men need our protection too and don't even know it!



Interestingly enough, I've found that we as women often have diarrhea-of-the mouth-syndrome. Just givin'out WAY too much intel, ya feel me? Tellin' our guys who tried to touch our butts at Club Creep-N-Sleep last weekend. Lettin' him know how many guys have tried to holla whenever we wear our black freak'em dress with the killa heels. Enough already! Yet our male counterparts often pick and choose VERY CAREFULLY what kind of secrets they will tell.
I've decided to follow suit.



Now don't get me wrong. Some secrets SHOULD be and NEED to be revealed. I think everyone has to decide that for themselves.

Where's Will?

I know he didn't get abducted by aliens. Well if he did, how come I didn't get the memo?. Yet, he seems to be missin' from that great big silver screen. My inquisitive inquiry for today is WHY?

Is it because he's too busy focusin' on gettin' Willow to keep on "whippin' her hair?



Wait, wait. Could it be because he's preppin' Jay Jay for his next movie or musical role?



I gotta say this. My cinematic experience has become somewhat mediocre and mundane since Will has started concentratin' more on his children's careers. Sigh.





I know this might sound just a teeny tiny bit mean but...why can't Jada just take the reigns concerin' the kiddos? It's not exactly like her career is on the cuttin' edge right now (shruggin' shoulders).




Woooooooowww. Jada, please leave the screamin' and singin' to Willow. Anyhooters, Willie Will. I need ya!! Come back!! I'm tired of lookin' at Idris with his lukewarm actin' skills. Give him a run for his money!!

Bey Bey, Are Ya Ok?

Umm, yeah. See, I was...Wow. Ummm...yeah. Question. Is there anyone else wonderin' why Bey is suddenly lookin' like Casper The Friendly Ghost?






I mean, she's lookin' like she's rollin' with Edward and his crew from Twilight.





What in the name of fajitas and fish cakes is really goin' on here? Does she feel like she needs a skin bleaching scheme to try and stay on top? Was she not light-bright, and close-to white enough before? I don't know. Does somebody need to get in contact with Papa Knowles? I mean, even her hair has her lookin' like Fun -In The Sun Barbie.
Bey Bey baby, this is NOT a good look. Quit while ya ahead 'fo ya start lookin' like:




I'm just sayin'.

Pre-teen Pandemonium!!!

Raising teenagers is about as much fun as clippin' the toenails off a rhino. I'm sorry. Allow me to digress. If you have perfect progenies like this:






then go out and have yourself a big ole' jelly jar full of sweet tea and CELEBRATE!!! Chile' that's AWESOME news!!

However, this is more of what my reality cast and crew looks like:





Case in point. My puberty-stricken 12 y.o.son. He is givin' me AND the students and staff at his school a MASSIVE migraine. You know your munchkin is a menance when the principal has you on speed dial. Hmmph. Ya betta ask somebody.
I've tried givin' him an" attitude adjustment":



We've had "time -out talk sessions such as this:






He's even been chattin' it up with a counselor:




But....NOTHING'S WORKING!!!!!! AARGH!!!!




I don't want this....




to be my son's fate. This momma is cryin' out:

Being Financially Challenged...

REALLY SUCKS!!!!





My bank account is in therapy cuz it's sufferin' from depression!!




Things just can't stay this way, so...

I'm makin' some new moves..

Lookin' for new employment endeavors...





Relocating my fam to the home of palm trees and sunny skies...







Did I forget to mention that..




Even though my piggy bank might be in intensive care right now, I realize that this is just a temporary hiccup. I still intend to take life by the chin, look in its face and say: