Wonder what her foot tastes like? It must be pretty tasty cuz she's usually got it stuck in her cavern that she calls a mouth!! Dang Kim!! You just hooked up with this dude Kris back around Turkey Day of last year. Now you twitterin' 'bout how you want yall's love child to look? Ain't this what sent Reggie runnin' and screamin' towards the football stands tryin' to get away from you? At least let the man name ya and claim ya first!! Clearly a blind man can see that this chica is dyin' of thirst. The only thang that will quench it is ia a NFL or NBA baller beverage, ok? Nothin' like a nice chocolate cocktail with a tantalizin' twist of muscles, eh?
Or a mocha latte with a extra smidge of milk?
Kim sweetie. Let me give ya some sista gurl advice. Before you start picturin' how your baby gone have Gucci booties and how you and Kris gone be chucky cheesin' it up in the camera with your lil bundle of joy, close ya legs for a sec. You might have him slobberin' and foamin' at the mouth now, but beautiful women are just as common to him as hair stores in the hood. In other words..THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. Stop movin' so daggone fast. Pump your brakes. Pu ya car on cruise and just enjoy the ride for right now. If you want Kris to poof and be gone, just keep doin' lame brain jive mess like this.
I'm a single mama with 4 kiddies, two of them bein' I-don't want-to-do-nothin-you-say-teenagers. Now, with this all star lineup one would think that I get enough every day conflict and combat to be an honorary member of Charlie's Angels. Yet sometimes, I don't want to be a PART of the action. I would much rather SEE IT. This is why when I saw this golden gem peekin' at me from the shelves of Wally World:
I knew I had to have it.Trust me, this motion picture masterpiece did NOT disappoint!! The Italian Stallion(Stallone) is the head honcho of a group of professional rough and tumble soldiers. They're gettin' paid by a somewhat mysterious stranger (Willis) to help bring down a devilish dictator in Latin America. Sylvester might be in his 60's now, but he's just as agile and active as the rest of his costars!!
I have to admit that I was surprised. I thought that with all the heavy hitters in this film there would be some serious ego issues among themselves. Yet, each of their roles blended together perfectly just like a mango blueberry smoothie. However, it's not some story about a bunch of mindless, muscled up dudes who are randomly shootin' grenades at everything that moves. This is a well thought out story line with a few twists and turns along the way. If you have a weak tummy, I wouldn't really recommend viewin' this one. It's downright graphic and grotesque at certain points. Still not sure if this one is for you? Take a look:
Digital cable is the best thang to hit our home since the introduction of reality tv!! What in the name of mac n cheese and pork and beans would we do without it? Since I'm a single mamacita, takin' care of four lil churritos keeps my toes tappin' on a constant basis. I don't always have time to plant my posterior in a comfy chair to catch my latest shows. Who cares? I pay a lil' extra dinero to have the DVR (Digital VideoRecorder). I can record my programs and check 'em out when I get some breathin' room. I'm really feelin' this modern technology y'all!!
My matriarchal mate has gotten bit by the bug too. Unfortunately, some of her channels decided to take a vacation so she couldn't tune in!! Bad news Bucky!! No prob. I just jumped on the telly and contacted Time Warner. Of course they were eager as buck tooth beavers to fix the issue cuz we have a high end cable package!! An appointment was set for two days later. The sooner the better cuz mi madre couldn't see her nightly news which was slowly turnin' her into a grumpy granny!! Thankfully, we didn't have to wait long before this cable cat rang our doorbell.
I answer the door and am greeted by a creamy colored carmel brotha with a smile as wide as the Pacific. He makes a beeline directly for my mom's room where the trouble is. Now for a brief intro. My mother is one of those ladies who can strike up a convo with a serial killer and make him feel like he's one of her long , lost cousins. Cable man Carl(not his real name) was no exception. She started off askin' him how he liked the job. Gleefully, he revealed that since he was a contractor, it gave him more flexibility. I decided to shake a lil' spice on this convo by askin' if any of his female customers ever tried to get him to..let's just say...personally change their channels. The temperature of this tantalizing talkfest quickly went up a couple of degrees.
He told us of his cable man capers involvin' women, nude pics, and cell phones. Despite all this attention from the lovely ladies, Carl claims he remains as faithful as the family dog. Impressive. Did I believe him? The jury is still out on that one. As he was workin' on his 2nd glass of white grape juice, my momma went in for the kill. She invited him to her place of worship. He politely declined. Aww man. Now he started tryin' to impress us by actin' like Paul the Preacher by quoting all these Scriptures he had learned.
During the course of the conversation, he found out that my mom is an evangelist. I'm assuming that because he was married, he felt completely comfortable asking her this next question. What he inquired of her was something that made me cover my mouth and want to run from the room like my hair was on fire. I mean, this guy didn't know the definition of shame. He asked what kinds of sexy positions could a man and woman get down with without our Heavenly Father rainin' down fire and brimstone.
Dude..seriously? I mean, this guy showed us that he was a straight with no chaser type of man, but I'm sayin'. Could he not have talked to his pastor PRIVATELY about his lil' daunting dilemma? Sheesh. Once I was able to pick up my face off the floor and put all my teeth back in, Carl had finally finished fixin' the cable. As he was turnin' to walk out the bedroom door, he turned around and decided to drop some more wickedly witty wisdom on me. He told me that I needed to stop breakin' men's hearts and their bank accounts by waitin' for that special ONE. I ask you. How could ANYONE refuse such sound advice from their neighborhood cable guy?
I am a sexy, vibrant 38.y.o. tigress caught in a 9 y.o. girl's psyche. I go from a thundering "I am woman, hear me roar," to a whining & whimpering "Mom, what should I do?" Pathetic? You bet it is! Nauseating? Just like taking 11 jello shots & then chasin' it with 2 chilli dogs & a lukewarm can of Natural Light (outwardlyshuddering). Why do I allow her to have so much control over my decisions & dilemmas? Now I know how Akon felt when he kept croonin': "They won't let me out..they won't let me out..I'm locked up!"
It was one of those lazy, laid back, kids-are-in-school kind of days. My mom & I were casually chillin' & conversatin' about my current choice of..shall we say..chocolate. She thought that my sweetmeat of the week was a military master named Jeff. Welllllllllllll...no. At this point, the best course of action would've been to zip it (my mouth), lock it, & put it into my pocket, but not me. I sometimes talk so much, it's as if my mouth is runnin' on a treadmill.
I cheerfully informed her that there was someone else that was occupying the corners of my mind. Once she guessed who it was, things took a seismatic shift in the crust of our interconnection. She ranted & raged about how I was making a dastardly decision. My mamacita pressed and pleaded about how my new boo boo & I would probably end up having our own Shakesperian tragedy rivaling that of Bobby & Whitney.
Honestly Mom. Does just about every convo between us have to turn into our own personal daytime drama? Sigh. With each word that is being exchanged, it is becoming clearer & clearer that she doesn't know as much about me as she thinks she does. This is the type of stallion my matriarch would like to see me lasso in:
Mmm. As tempting and tasty as this tender morsel might seem, I think I'll pass. This might normally be the type that would grab my attention:
My current companion is actually a tall glass of gentleman with a side twist of thugliciousness. My momma just can't seem to wrap her mind around this mind-boggling concept. How could her precious progeny possibly be linked up with this imposing image of muscle mass & endless rivers of indigo ink sprayed & tatted all over his canvas? Yes, yes I know. My madre only wants me to have top shelf like the Hill Harpers & the Cornel West's of the world. BREAKING NEWS FLASH: IT MORE THAN LIKELY WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
More than anything I wish that she understood that my choices involving men are not a personal body slam to her intellect or integrity. It's simply about a matter of..choice and preference. I often pray that my decision does not put a wedge in between the door of our special alliance. Yet I realize that I am no longer a child who needs to actively seek her mommy's applause & approval. If I could adaquately explain this to her in song & verse here's what I would say: I'm sorry Momma I never meant to hurt you I never meant to make you cry But tonite I'm cleanin' out my closet Eminem "Cleanin' Out My Closet" lyrics
Sigh. Mundane Monday's. It was just a blah, ho-hum kinda day. I decided that the perfect remedy for this snore-tatsic day was a lil' deep fried entertainment via internet style. I fired up the laptop and the star search was on!! While surfin' the gnarley waves on the world wide web, I caught a pounder that knocked my boogie board from underneath me and caused me to wipe out!! Take a gander at this precious gem to the far left:
Thinkin' she might be a motorcycle mami for Harley Davidson or perhaps the newest starlet to head up the reality series LA Ink? Hmm. Not quite. For those who don't make it a point of keepin' up with Hollywood's hottest, let me give you an instantaneous intro. This is the chick( Michelle McGee) that was...shall we say.."choppin' it up" with Mizz Sandy Bullock's horny hubby, a Mr. Jesse James.
Mmhmm. Unfortunately, sticky situations like this one have become quite common and customary in La-La land. Yet, it's what this cheatin' chica said about relationships that really made me sit up and take notice:
"All men cheat.Women need to accept that."
At first I'm thinkin' that Mizz Motor-Mouth McGee deserved a buttery-black-hand-side BITCH SLAP for makin' such a mindless and moronic statement. Yet, I decided to digress for a sec. Could Michelle's mantra indeed be THE transcendental truth that we as ladies need to accept regardin' relationships with the men in our lives? Have we as women failed to understand our men's needs by allowin' them to tap into the primal part of their personalities?
Since I consider myself to be somewhat of a thinker, I decided to investigate this matter a tad further. I mean statistically speakin', what are the numbers sayin' about our testerone -fueled tigers? In most studies the statistics were somewhat skewed. Yet the general average said that about 50-60% of married men step out on their better half while women come in at about roughly 45-55%. Shoot, I guess ladies are pimps too!!
Question. Why cheat? If you're wifey or boo is no longer igniting that fire the way they used to or you want to be like Luda said and have ho*s in different area codes, why not just live the swingin' single life? You could do as many women or men as your bedsprings will hold and not really have to explain yourself to anyone. Why say that you will be committed to that one clueless chico or chica? Then, as soon as their back is turned, the chase is back on!!
I don't know how anybody else feels about it, but I REFUSE to accept that statement as my way of thinkin' about men and their cheatin' hearts. It is my personal belief that despite these staggerin' statistics, that there ARE indeed some men who are able to keep it real AND at home. Unfortunately, the men who allow their snakes to be charmed by someone other than their woman, are the bad apples who can spoil the whole bunch.
To all my double-crossin' don's and diva's I have a special dedication for you today. Check it out:
Men beware!! We women can usually tell when things ain't quite right:
I was tired... Burned out... Busted and disgusted... Weary and worn out From this brotha' hollerin' 'bout How I was a REAL woman.. Mhmm...yeah, ok... How I was so, so thick with it.. Talkin' bout how he wanted to take me out... How he wanted to rain on me so that I would no longer feel the drought of bein' lonely and listless... Kingless and manless... Jealous and heartless... So..so.. Promises were made and exchanged and then Dates were arranged and then at the last minute changed..
But just when the moon was 'bout ready to change places with the sun Here he comes callin' me... Sayin' that he wants to see me.. How deeply sorry that he left me hangin' Just so that he could go bangin' the bedsprings of some other unsuspectin' broad...
I breathe...
I exhale...
No, his black tail didn't
Just try to disrespect my intellect
By rejectin' and neglectin' the fact that I am supposed to be
His Cleopatra...
His Rachel Ray seasonin' and tenderizin' that meat...
His Janet-Jack-Me while sweatin' and soilin' them pretty white Egyptian cotton sheets...
But he didn't appreciate me bein' his bedmate, his cellmate, his soul mate, his helpmate... Man, I couldn't wait for the winds to change and backdate to the love we once had But it's too bad...that day never came... I was done with the games and tryin' to take the blame for actions and circumstances That HE created.. Felt like love was WAY overrated and I hated myself for gettin' caught up and out in another afternoon episode of "The Young and the Loveless"...
Yet I digress cuz when I met you with all the finesse that you possess It made me double back..do a triple take... I mean, what other man could keep me up until daybreak tellin' me that my heartaches and pain would be a thing of the past... Can I finally start singin' like Etta "At last my love has come along..." "...I belong to you" like Rome sings is the anthem that I want you to bring everytime We're baskin' in each other's beauty and energy... Please don't walk away for if you do My feet may follow but my heart will become untrue...
**SIDEBAR: I MADE REFERENCES TO TWO VERY TALENTED ARTISTS: MS ETTA JAMES & ROME. LET YOUR EARS TAKE YOU ON A MUSICAL JOURNEY. ENJOY.
To go or NOT to go. This was the question dancin' along the corners of my mind on this particular Thursday mornin'. Should I make this darin' drive down to the Sunshine State with two surly teenagers and two overly rambunctious kiddos? My common sense and voice of reason were screamin' and hollerin' for me to rethink this option. But what could I do? My biological best friend (my momma) needed me like an alcoholic needs their sponsor. Why is that you may ask? Let me explain. See, one of her cuzzo's who just also happened to be her best friend received her wings and went to live with our Heavenly Father in Glory. I knew she was takin' it pretty hard.
My madre was in the process of flyin' the friendly skies on down there to Florida where the homegoin' services were bein' held. Meanwhile, I back in here in the land of the Texas two step and barbeques, was stuck in a dilemma. Man, that was gonna be a 24 hour drive. Plus, my finances were so tight that you would think I had a girdle fastened around my dinero!! I sucked in a watery, shaky breath and contacted my bank to check my ever shrinkin' bank account.
Well, wonders never cease!! I ended up havin' more cushion for the pushin' than I expected so this trip was on and poppin' baby!! Yes, this get-a-away was gonna drain my account so dry that it looked like the Sahara Desert but so what? Indeed, we would have to feast on PB&J sandwiches for the rest of the month but I didn't care. My best friend needed me. Some eight hours later, my rat pack and I loaded up the truck and hit the dusty trail!!
Needless to say that once we reached our destination, the sacrifice was all well worth it. Keep in mind that she had NO idea that we were comin'. My mom was so, so shocked and surprised. She cried, laughed, guffawed out loud and lifted holy hands ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! Hey! It takes a real display of talent to express so many different emotions at one time!! A couple of days later while I was casually loungin' at my grandfather's, I received a phone call. To my surprise, it was one of my favorite childhood bullies. He had heard from my cuz that I was down there for the funeral and he just wanted to say hey. At that very moment a very strange and surreal feelin'came over me. I asked him to drop by and visit. WHAT??!!
He came about 20 minutes later. I stepped outside expectin' to see the same skinny, kinda scrawny dude who was always goin' out of his way to be a donkey's behind every time he saw me. Honey, what I actually SAW was an endless river of carmel creamed skin that was beautifully inked with an array of the sexiest tats that I think that I had ever feasted my eyes on. I thought that I would never stop lookin' up at this dude. I mean, he's like the Empire State building tall! Just....breathtakin'. I gotta be real. I was only expectin' to talk to him maybe about 15-20 minutes. It wasn't like we were best of friends growin' up or anything.
As he and I began to chat it up, your girl learned some very..shall we say..interestin' information.
He told me that the reason that he was always so mean to me was because he was secretly crushin'! Are you serious??!! I never would have guessed that one!! Anywhooters, we continued to catch each other up on what was goin' on in each others' lives. I mean, let's face it. The last time that we interacted was about 15 years prior. Here's the part that really had me shook. I was really startin' to feel this gentleman. He was very easy on the eyes. I won't deny that. Yet, it was his stimulation of my cerebral cavity that really had me goin'. Was it really possible? I mean, the guy who I had once wished would step out in front of a movin' train was turnin' on my light switch in ways that I didn't think was possible.
We were both so drawn that we ended up spendin' the ENTIRE night together. Literally. I mean the sun was makin' it's way over the horizon by the time we pulled oursleves away from each other. Now, don't be shakin' your head and waggin' your finger!! I didn't let him tap it or wax it. We just spent the entire night talkin'. Ok. Maybe a few stolen kisses here and there but he did NOT get my panties as a souvenir or trophy. Lol.
It's been a lil' over a month. Things are goin' fantastically well considerin' that we're close to 2,000 miles apart. We talk and text every day as if we live in the same city. Logically, it all makes very little sense. We hadn't stayed in touch after all these years. We just met up with each other again one night and have bonded as tight as the glue on a weave. Incredible. He and I will be meeting up again come this summer and we're both thrilled beyond belief. The interconnection that we share defies my human understandin'. Don't worry. I haven't completely lost my head. We're takin' things as they come. But this time, I intend to grab life by the horns and just ride it out and..enjoy.
