This Chick Needs Some Help!!

Don't get it twisted.
I support my sistas, mmkay?
I don't make a practice of drinkin' tall, frosty glasses of Haterade.
I just tells it like I sees it.
Now,what I'm about to say may indeed get me some mean mugs and maybe even some smackin' and poppin' of the lips.
But I'm prepared cuz what I'm about to preach is GOSPEL.



Lisa Raye.
Beautiful?
Of course she is...no Stevie Wonder here.
But let's be real.
Her actin' skills are as stank as orangutan poop roasted over an open fire.
No matter what role she plays, she always plays it the SAME WAY.
HORRENDOUSLY HOOD.



Is it any wonder that most movies she ends up in look like a film student's homework project?
Ya know the ones.
The actors have like 5 minute pauses between each line.
Hairstyles lookin' like they came straight from the pages of Homemade Hoochie Hair.
The actin' styles are seriously overdone like Golden Corral's meatloaf.
Are you thinkin' that I have no appreciation for the various riveting roles that Lisa plays?
Haha.
Then check out this sad sack of shiznit:




If you don't want to see Clifton Powell's hershey squirt skid marks in his tidy whitey's, I wouldn't watch this one.
Nah. I'm serious.
Or how about this one:



WOW.
I haven't even seen this one in the $5.00 bin at Wally World.
See what I'm sayin?
She's got high class looks with low budget skills.
Somehow she wormed her way onto VH1's Single Ladies.







This is just my opinion as humble as it may be, but perhaps she should just stick to modelin'.


At least that way she doesn't have to open her mouth.

Movin' On...

With each passing day I've come to realize a fundamental truth.
LIFE CHANGES.
Yes indeed.
I remember my first taste of what REAL freedom felt like.
Graduation Day baby!
Glidin' and slidin' down that aisle while the tassle on my cap kept whippin' and wavin' in my face.
My parents plottin' and plannin' how they was gonna "rechristen" all the rooms in the house once they child done finally hit the bricks.
Ok. Wait. (Needle scratchin' on the record).
Never mind. That visual almost made last night's din din resurface.
Anywhooters, I had everything all mapped out.




College.
Grad school.
PhD.
Marriage.
Open up my own marriage counseling practice.




I actually did get to college.
Partied a lil' bit. Studied more though.
Yes, I am a certfied geek (but a COOL one).
Enlightening experience.
Studied there for 2.5 years until...




Dropped out of school.
Moved me and my wee lil' one down to the home of gators and orange trees.
Lived with my boyfriend/baby daddy/buttwipe.
One year later.



Are you sick of me yet?
I dang sure am!!
Mom and Dad decided to call it quits.
She loads up the Lincoln and we move on down to the land of the two step and rodeos.
Welp. It's been 15 years.
I've endured 3 MORE young ones, several dead end jobs AND a marriage spurned from the boughs of HELL.
But I'm still here. With most of my sanity in tact.
I've since divorced and am engaged to wonderful man who embraces my weaknesses and doesn't EXPLOIT them.
My children and I are pilin' up the movin' truck and beatin' feet to the land of sunny skies and endless beaches.



Guess what?
Once I get to my destination, I'm goin' back to finish my education and become that counselor that I always dreamed about.
Am I scared?
Shakin' like a crack fiend tryin' to go cold turkey.
But ya know, I've decided to allow my fear to motivate me in the right direction.
No more lookin' back.
Full steam ahead.

Smooth Sunday Sounds

I live in the land of cowboys, beef brisket and beans.
The main music choice around these parts is the likes of Faith Hill & Tim McGraw.
Forgive me for my bluntness, but..country music makes me want to do a flyin' leap off the Statue of Liberty.
With no parachute.
What I need is the soothing sounds of an alto sax mixin' and minglin' with the melodies of a electric guitar.
Mmmhmm.





My Perfect Recipe for Sunday Sounds:

• Two Tablespoons of Fourplay


• A couple cups of George Benson


• Mix well with Jazzmasters and Pieces of a Dream


• Sit back, relax and allow these sounds to musically marinate and permeate your senses!

Here's my Sunday Sound pick for today:

Friday's Femme Fatale

They don't make 'em quite like this no mo'. Yes suh! Pam Grier was...THAT. WOMAN. Badly behaved. But she had reason to be.
They killed her man.
One time some thugs tried to take over her daddy's business. Y'all know Pam wasn't goin' for dat!!
She fought for truth.
Justice.
Who else you know that could wear a slinky and sexy dress, wield a double barreled shotgun, AND throw some karate kicks that would make even Bruce Lee envious?
Ya betta' know it!!
My girl Pam.



For all my blaxplotation buds out here in Blogsville, tonight startin' at 8, you can catch Pam packin' a powerful punch in:
Sheba Baby
Coffy
AND...
Foxy Brown!!!

So jump in ya jammies, pop some kettle corn, grab a glass goblet of grape Kool-Aid, and tune into TV-One!!
If for some reason, ya can't tune in at that time, then DVR IT!!

Could My Day Get Any BETTER??!!

Look, I KNOW that's it pretty early in the day....but umm...would anyone object to me havin' a lil' mornin' 'intoxicant'?
I needs me a lil' liquid courage right about now (throwin' back an imaginary shot glass).
Ahhhh, that's good.
Well, what you waitin' on? Sit on down so I can tell you what happened!!
Woke up feelin' mighty proud of myself. I mean, hey. I actually woke up before my annoyin' alarm clock started blastin' off!
Son got off to summer school ok.
Well, I figured I had a few minutes to kill before my lil' cherub let her presence be known.
Sooo...I kicked back and started catchin' up on my Law & Order: LA episodes.



About 20 minutes later, I could tell that my daughter was up and ready to start her day.
I began my trek up the steps.
Sniff-sniff.
Oh no.
Oh Lawd, please no.
My steps start slowin' down.
I'm catchin' a serious case of the screwface.
DAMN.
I round the corner and...




WHY??!! What did I do wrong?
I bet it's cuz I didn't go to church yesterday.
I look in her room.
WHAT IN THE BLUE F*C*??!!
It looked like a herd of elephants took a crap on her floor and started square dancin' throughout her space AND our family room.
Oh, did I forget to mention that we have OFF WHITE CARPET??!!
Man....I... (breathin' through the side of my mouth)
Let me just 'splain' somethin' real quick.
My little girl has autism.
She's six years young and..
She's not potty trained and..well..
Guess the designated poopy-picker-upper better get to work before my whole house starts smellin' like the San Diego Zoo.
I swear on my Grandma Van's false teeth, that it don't even look like Resolve gone be able to get these stains out.
Heavy sigh.

I'm Just NOT Ready!!

Am I bein' selfish?
Probably. Not interested in bein' politically correct today. Yeah, I might end up soundin' like a bad mamacita. But ya know what? I'm just gonna have to take that chance. Those with hearts and emotions with the constitution of warm jello, might quickly want to make their escape. Sigh. Come. Let me show you what's got my mind spinnin' and spiralin' out of control.



I'm gonna be a GRANDMA!!!! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!!(stompin' my feet.)
Yeah, yeah. I could be like this cool grammy in the picture who is able to perform amazing acrobatic feats. But....I'm.Just.Not.Ready. (No, I'm not ready to be a grandmother or to kick my leg up like that). Anywhooters, there are a couple of reasons why I'm feelin' like a grumpy gram gram.

1. My daughter is only 18.-She just graduated in May. C'mon now. My lil' mama is young. What's even more like a rabbit punch to the gut is that she got preggers on PURPOSE. Why would she take a chance on forfeiting her destiny? Silly girl.




2. Her maturity level rivals that of a 12-13 y.o. kid- I understand that she is now considered an adult. Legally. However, when it comes to being responsible and conducting herself like a grown up..well...let me give you an example.

11:30 PM. earlier this week.

Phone ringing.

Me: (irritated tone) Yes Nadia. How can I help you?

Nadia: Are you asleep?

Me: Yes! You know that I have to get your brother up early for summer school.

Nadia: Why are you asleep so early?

**Crickets chirping**

Me:Nadia...WHAT..DO..YOU..WANT??!! I'm sleepy and WANT TO GO TO BED!!

Nadia: But Mom, I wanted to talk to you about the Spongebob Squarepants Movie!

Me: (dead silence while blinking rapidly) Goodnight Nadia.

3. **She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder- Living with someone that suffers from this destructive disorder is like riding the Goliath roller coaster at Six Flags. Once you get on, you know you're gonna hit those deep, steep hills...just not sure WHEN its gonna happen. Her moods are strangely similiar. Up and down. A twist here. A 50 ft drop there. Its gotten so severe, that she's had to be hospitialized more times than I have fingers and toes. It's scary to see my daughter suffer like this. Imagine her tryin' to be accountable for an itty bitty one with this dark cloud loomin' over her. Frightening.

As a result of her pregnancy, her doctor has had to stop her from taking one of her meds. So far so good. You know, I didn't make the choices that have ultimately put her in this sad situation. Yet when you love someone, sometimes their struggles will become your own. Even though you didn't ask for it.

Grow Up Already!!

I have a 17 year old son. He's tettering between the bridge of boyhood and the manhole of manhood. Arghh!! More often than not, he's testy, moody and brooding. His room often smells like overcooked onion stew with a side of toejam. Video games and our Netflix subscripton seem to be the only things that makes him want to rise and shine. When he finally does lumber out of his batcave, he is often whinin' and wearin' my nerves askin' why he has to get up so early. Excuse you. SINCE WHEN IS 11 IN THE DARN (Yes, I said DARN..this is serious..) MORNIN' CONSIDERED EARLY??




Just in case you didn't put two and two together my son is now a senior. SAT scores. Prom. College. I would think that my man-in-training would be excited and feelin' downright exhilarated. Think about it! Don't have to worry about Mom comin' in his domain uninvited. Girls. Gettin' to live in an apartment setting with a bunch of horny, clueless teenage dudes. Girls. LOTS.OF.GIRLS. Geez, ok. You get the idea. Wouldn't it seem like he would be ready to go slippin' and slidin' down that aisle to snatch up that diploma?

Well, he ain't!! Lawd knows I've tried to be a good mama to this boy. Offered to help him search for schools. Tried to help him find a job so that he can exercise his right to be more responsible and make a few extra buckaroonies while he's at it. Sigh. Why can't he get motivated? Why does he act like he's tryin' to walk around with lead Timberlands on?