Someone PLEASE Call 911!

Why Wyclef....WHY??!! How could he throw Lauryn under the Greyhound bus like that?  Somebody get this man a bottle of Immodium AD cuz clearly he has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth! I'm sayin'. The Fugees went their own separate ways back in 1997. Here it is 2012. If he felt like Lauryn treated him like a 2 dollar giglolo workin' a hot dog stand, why didn't he sound off about it then? WHY NOW??!





This situation truly got my sista' gurl wheels-a-turnin'.  What is Wyclef "Why Ya -Wanna-Do-Me-Wrong" up to? It all of a sudden hit me like a pimp slap from Ike Turner. Could he possibly be regurgatatin' all this old news to try to get some public interest in his new tell all book? These are some straight-with-no-chaser sissified shannigans!! How he gone put L Boogie on blast (and not to mention his WIFE at the time) by talkin' about this so called tantalizin' and torrid affair in which he thought he had gained a love child ? Wellllll...looks like Rohan was rockin' and knockin' dem boots too!!




Wyclef was dead-in-the-water wrong for this one. Could he not have kept his big piranha pothole shut? Are book sales really all that serious that you got to air out your dirty drawers for the whole world to see? I guess it is true what the rap group Divine Sounds said:
" It might sound sad...
It might sound funny...
BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR MONEYYYYYYYYYY!!"

Mind Blowin' Decisions

"Lawdy, Lawdy look who just turned 40!"
I can remember when my sweeter-than-a sugar-sundae husband said this phrase to me.
Wanted to punch him so hard that he swallowed his eyeballs and coughed up his eyelashes!
I mean, who did he think he was??!!
Just cuz  my luv muffin is a couple years younger don't mean that he ain't gettin' older too!!
(Yes, I'm a proud resident of Cougarville..and..what??)
Even though he was tryin' to be fabulously funny like a badly manufactured Mike Epps, it got me to thinkin'.






I've got a wonderfully wacked out 19 y.o. queen who just got hitched and now has a lil' bambino of her own.
My king-in-training just graduated and is on his way to higher education.
Also have two younger ones who won't stay kids forever.
The question is...where does that leave me?
Yes, I do have a sexy, smack-ya-lips, generously gifted hubby who is very supportive.
Yet, I often wonder what else am I supposed to be doin'?
Am I SUPPOSED to be doin' anything else?





I know that I shouldn't compare myself with my homies, but..I just can't help it!
My friends that I grew up with back home seem to be really makin' it happen.
They takin' luxury trips. Gettin' paid well on their jobs. Nice homes and families.
When I break it all down, I realize somethin'.
Our lives are distinctively different because of the choices we made.
They made a decision to finish college like somebody with good sense. I chose to drop out and play house and have babies that I couldn't afford.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I had stayed on that professional track.
Would I have become that head shrink that I always dreamed of?





Where would I have been livin'? Would I have been pushin' that winter white Benz with the buttery leather seats and wood grain interior?
Chile' who knows? It's anybody guess.
Havin' said that, here's what I discovered.
Despite all the wrong turns and detours I've made on this rugged and rough road we call life, I feel like Ralph must've felt like on Christmas Story when he finally got that BB gun he was trickin' to get.
Blissfully, wonderfully, ridiculously, smilin' so-hard-that the-corners-of-your-mouth-crack HAPPY.
Ya know, a lil' sumptin' like this:





I mean, why wouldn't I be? I've got a spouse who not only makes me drool, babble and hiss like a garden snake in heat, but he's also my bestest friend this side of the Alamo.
I mean...he's like the collard greens to my hamhocks.
He's like..like..Herb to my Peaches.
Seriously..he's like..ok, you get it.
My offspring are healthy and thriving.
Let my daytime drama be a lesson.
Try to make sound decisions the FIRST time.
Let's face it. One wrong choice can alter your life in ways you can't control or imagine.
If one isn't careful, he or she could spend the rest of their days tryin' to play catch up.
Plus, let's be real. Who has that kind of time?

Makes Me Wanna Holla!!!

If you REALLY wanna know how I'm feelin' 'bout my son these days..well...jus' check out Mama Mufusa's mug in the above shot. Yup. Now if she would just put her hands in her hair and pull till her roots are screamin' for mercy, that would be more accurate.
Welcome to my world.
I have the pleasure and pain of havin' a 12 y.o. son.
Ya know.
Voice octaves go from Pee Wee Herman to Barry White within 6.3 seconds.
Clearsil has become a permanent fixture in his bathroom.
Tries to be slick by sneakin' my cell and watchin' steamy skin flicks all courtsey of Youtube.
Yes suh.
Good ole puberty.



Lookin' at my phone and seein' things in the browser like" hot lip hotties"  is enough to make me wanna go runnin' in the middle of I-35 blindfolded with a shower cap and fuzzy slippers on.
Sadly though, that's only part of my daytime dilemma.
A couple of weeks ago I was seekin' and searchin' for some cold hard cash that I had left in my purse.
Hmm. Not there.
Well, that's weird.
I shook out all the old,wrinkled up tissues, out dated receipts, and clunky pennies from
my pocketbook thinkin' maybe I had just overlooked it somehow.
Still no George Washington's to be found.
Then, it hit me.



I knew my son took it. Man, I was so heated even my butt muscles was shakin'.
Here's what I knew. If I ASKED him if he took the $ he would swear on his video game collection that he hadn't seen it or messed with it.
I knew the issue had to be confronted.
Ya see, one of the things that my mom had always taught us was that if a person lies, they will sho' 'nuff steal.
I never wanted to believe that. Especially about my own kids.
However, I knew my seed was one of the biggest liars this side of the Rio Grande.
All that evening, I kept puttin' it off and puttin' it off.
Just didn't feel like talkin' 'bout nothin' else negative cuz it's ALWAYS somethin' with him, ya know?
Anywhooters, I knew that I couldn't delay the inevitable.
THE TIME HAD COME.



I told him that I knew that he took the money. At first he tried to deny it (big surprise there).
Eventually he revealed that the reason that he had "sticky fingers sydrome" is because he wanted to prove to the other kids that he wasn't a nice kid after all.
Wow. Seriously?
Although I am somewhat sympathetic towards the plight of preteens and them tryin' to get in where they fit in, this was still unacceptable.
I grounded him and took away privileges.
Hoenstly though, it really doesn't seem like it phased him cuz somedays he comes home from school with unaccounted for "gifts" that "some girl in the hallway" gave him.
AAARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE??!!!

Shocked And Surprised!!

There I was.
Casually crusin' the internet interstate lookin' for tantalizing topics of discussion when I decided to make a pit stop here: http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/


Couldn't believe what I was readin'.
Was this guy for real?
He took the subject of "steppin' out on your mate" to a brand new level.
Givin' us gurls a blow-by-blow(no pun intended) blueprint of how we can indeed have our cake and eat it too.





Y'all gonna have to 'scuse me but it's 'bout to get REAL funky up in here.
Check this out.
Cheatin' is WRONG.
PERIOD.

•I don't care if you're a NFL OR NBA baller.



•Doesn't matter if you can make an individual orgasmically combust from all the cash you may have in your bank accounts.



•It's irrelevant if you've got game good enough to make him or her " leave the one their with to start a new relationship with you."



•Don't care if you've got boobs big enough to end world hunger.

It just...AINT. RIGHT.



I'm about to take a hard left with this convo so hang on tight.
Any man who has big enough walnut sacs to call a woman out her name because she chooses to
"test drive" a different model car than the one she has sittin' at home, can politely kiss my San Andreas Fault line.
Now.
I ain't sayin' that ole' girl is livin' right.
But damn y'all.
What happened to equal opportunity?
Why she gotta be called skank?
Chickenhead?
Bitch?
How 'bout stankin' azz ho?
If a lady is all of these thangs, than what does that make a man who's gettin' down and dirty just like the sista' is?

WE GET IT ALREADY!!!

Say hello to the new "Kim Kardashian" of the sports world.
Dang Serena!
Is she feelin' like she doesn't already get enough attention from rippin' and runnin' 'round that tennis court in those itty bitty skirts and thangs?
I'm sayin'.
This was supposed to be a reputable sports award ceremony.
Not the BET or Soul Train Awards.



Her stylist should have told her to tuck her tata's back in just a wee bit more.
The public doesn't need to be able to see if her areolas are the color of black coffee.
I'm surprised her nip-nips didn't spontaneously combust from all that fiery friction.
For real though.
There's nothin' wrong with a woman tryin' to look her best and break a few necks cuz she workin' it out.
But damn.
You can look sexy without lookin' like a slutburger with a side order of sleaze and skank.
Leave a lil' sumthin'-sumthin' to the imagination.



Thing is, Serena is a BEAST on the tennis court.
She actually has talent and skills that don't require that she flex her pelvic muscles and take xrays just to prove that her booty wan't manufactured in a factory.



All that boobage and booty wasn't even enough to keep him rooted and grounded:



Listen y'all.
'Rena can command attention for her tennis game alone.
She don't have to resort to lookin' like a high priced madame to be noticed.
The Lord already gave her somethin' to work with without her "cups" havin' to "run over."

Maybe It's Just Me But...

Maybe what I'm about to say would be considered sacrilege.
Oh well.
I'll chant my Hail Mary's and light the prayer candles later.
But I just can't hold back no longer.
IDRIS ELBA'S ACTING IS AS FLAT AS A WARM, UNOPENED 3 LITER BOTTLE OF SPRITE.
There.
I said it.
Whether he's bein' the doting, dutiful dad:



Or the bad boy bank robber:



His performances are yawn worthy.
To me, he always acts the same no matter what kind of character he tries to portray.
He is marvelously mundane and mediocre.
Sorry Idris.

Wish I Was More Like Her..

When my darlin' 18 year old-she child left home, I felt like Evander must've felt when Mike decided to have a snack and nibble on his ear.
Confused. Dazed. EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
She left home cuz she knew that she couldn't have her red velvet cake and eat it too.
Here was our issue.
She was involved with a dude that I felt was just too dang old.
I mean, what was wrong with her gettin' a lil high school homeboy?
After all, she was still a senior.
Not quite grown yet.




It was brought to my attention that she had been sneakin' behind my back and still choppin' it up with this man.
I'm sorry, but that just didn't sit well with me.
See, my parenting philosophy was real simple.
If she didn't like the ground rules that I had set up, well..
Let's put it this way.
It's my job to take care of KIDS, not kids tryin' to be GROWN.
Told her that she couldn't continue to eat, sleep and be taken care of if my guidelines couldn't be followed.
Guess I told her, huh?



Gotta be real and say that it didn't quite go the way that I thought it would.
She was supposed to be too SCARED to be out there in the big wide world.
Without the help and support of her mommy dearest.
Chile' please.
She ended up callin' her man, packed her stuff and got GHOST.
Man, my mind was movin' a million miles a second.
She did it.
SHE REALLY WALKED OUT OF HERE TO BE WITH HER BABY BOO.
Gave up everything that was familiar and somewhat safe to forge out into the unknown.



Ok.
What I'm about to say may sound mad crazy and off the wall.
Kinda like Hannibal Lecter or Charles Manson-crazy.
But today was my drinkin' day so here it goes.
I ADMIRED HER.
Felt like she was my heroine.
My girl didn't know what was waitin' for her once her feet hit the door.
She knew that when she left up out of here that it was gonna be a DONE DEAL.
Wasn't allowed to come back.
Yet, because she didn't want to take a gamble and lose a potential good thing, she took her chances and rolled out.
She didn't allow her fear to keep her from pursuing her passion.
HIM.



Coincidentally, I'm facin' a somewhat similar situation with my own Mom and my fiance.
Think she would rather see me with the likes of Napoleon Dynamite.
We're two best friends at a crossroads.
While the choice is obvious, it's not an easy one.
I love my Mom with every single fiber of my being.
But my fiance is the only man that I want to spend the rest of my life loving.
I'm taking a page out of my teen queen's book and going forth not knowing what lies ahead.
Like her, I'm willing to take the risk.