WHO WOULD'VE THUNK IT??!!

It's Saturday. My friend and I had spent that evening gettin' pampered. That's right. My nails were lookin' all shiny and glittery and smooth(these solar nails are the TRUTH y'all). I had just finished stuffin' my face with a double cow with cheese on a sesame seed bun with all the fixins. Plus, to top the night off, my compadre had suggested that we go have a few drinks and maybe shake a lil' jelly while you playin'. Now normally, I might have protested somewhat cuz me and my snookie would have been spendin' some quality time. But he was actin' like Senor Snothead, so I was all about hittin' the club and havin' a lil fun.

I hit the highway on a mission to hurry up and get home so I could see about my lil' mini me's and start gettin' ready for my girls night out. My 15 y.o. son decides to ring-ring my cellie to politely remind me that I owed him a trip to The Wonderful World of Wally. Yep, that's right. You guessed it. Walmart (sigh). No prob. I was gonna take care of my motherly responsibilities and then bid my cherished cherubs a very good night!!! I could already taste that Tanqueray and OJ baby!!

Once we hit those automatic doors at Wally's, we all split and went our separate ways. Nothing new. This was our basic routine. Me and my 2 daughter's hit the men's department while my 15 y.o. son went to go check out the latest anime trading cards. I was feelin' rather tickled and tingly cuz I had just found THE nicest men's fedora this side of the Lone Star State to top off my sexy and slick outfit for the night. Yet, my oldest son had suddenly gone MIA and we couldn't find him even with the most sophisticated GPS system. Where in the name of flies and french fries was he at??!!



Since impatience is my middle name, I decided that I was tired of waiting for my son to be like David Copperfield and just magically show up. I told my daughter that she and my son could meet me up front so that I could give Wally World my hard earned cash. Well, once the chummy and cordial cashier rang up our purchases, it was time to two step it on out of there. Finally!! We were on the way out the door when the store's sensor goes off. The gregarious greeter gently touched my son on the elbow and asked him to come back in. He walked towards me and said that the greeter said that she needed to see the receipt. WHAT??!! I was just about to hit up Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson on my cellie to scream racism when three very surly security guards asked me to follow them.



Ok. My skin is now prickly and runnin' a fever of about 104 degrees. My daughter is in the backround singin' Marvin Gaye's tune of What's Goin On. They take me and my male offspring into this tiny 4x6 area which obviously is their private batcave. All of a sudden I'm feelin' caged in like:



I was sweatin' like a pig in a slaughterhouse, but I noticed that my son was as icy and cool as an Eskimo in the Ice Capades. Hmm. The head honcho was askin' my seed if he knew why he was back there but my son was still pretendin' and playin' games. My heartbeat rate was somewhere between stress induced coma and sudden death because the realization of what my son did just came crashin' down on me like an avalanche on Mt Everest. The rent-a-cop continued on with his interrogation with my son. He still maintained his innocence. This dude had another trick up his sleeve. He pulled out a Walmart bag full of empty, toilet-dipped foil wrappers. The light began to slowly leave my son's eyes as he began to realize that he had been...BUSTED!!





Like a flash, my thievin' teen of son pulls out a stack of trading cards out of his jacket pocket almost as long as the Nile River. Just stick a fork in me and call me DONE, ok? The store manager who bore a very scary and striking resemblance to the Grim Reaper, informed me that they decided not to press charges. However, they were goin' to call our local police department and have them issue a criminal trespassing citation. What did that mean for Cassius the Cat Burgular? It meant that he would be forever banned from comin' in the store or bein' on the property PERIOD. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not quite done. He is no longer able to darken the doorway of ANY Walmart property (includin' Sam's Club) in any of our fair 50 states. They said if they see him again on the property he would be arrested on site.




This is the 2nd time that my son has been issued a criminal tresspassing citation. What really gives me pause is the fact that it visibly didnt seem to phase him AT ALL. He was extremely arrogant with me as well as with the store personnel. His conscience appears to be seared. I pray that he isn't a sociopath in trainin'. Chile', I'm here to tell you that tryin' to raise a man is no easy task!!!