My heart felt like it was tap dancin' on the top of my stomach. With steel toed boots on. Sweat was drippin' and rollin' like a river underneath my arms. Man, this was bad. REAL bad. My hubby. The man that saw me without my bangin' and bombtastic weave. The one who held his laugh in when I almost tongue kissed the sidewalk after trippin' in my cute lil' five inch heels. This oh-so-talented brotha' who could make me moist like Duncan Hines Red Velvet cake just by lookin' at me cockeyed. Yes honey... HIM. Told me that he no longer wished to be committed to just one woman. Wanted to live that different-flavor of-ice cream every- week-type lifestyle. It was like Floyd Mayweather gave me a mean right hook to the side of my dome. Wasn't prepared for that one.
I didn't want my marriage to end. Lawd knows I didn't. But at the same time, I felt like I was not willin' to share my man like I would my fries and sweet and sour sauce from Mickey D's. I had to ask my best friend to pack his bags and get to steppin'. Man, I felt trapped like R Kelly. Did I want him to leave? Nawl! This was our home. Our lil' love shack. Yet, this man was basically tellin' me that he wanted to be able to hit and quit with as many women as he could handle! Do I love him? More than Lil' Wayne loves gettin' tattoos. Question is, how do you go on livin' with a man whose actions tell you that you no longer satisfy or meet his needs?
After his catastrophic confession, things got real stanky. Just downright...funky. No middle of the night and early mornin' sessions of that hot and sweaty sticky stick. Watching late night reruns of Martin together whoopin' and hollerin' had come to a QUICK stop. When he finally did leave I felt like I had eaten ten Taco Bell chulupas, a side of refried beans chased by a bottle of Crown Royal. Vomit inducing, Hershey squirts ...SICK. Couldn't see how this situation was EVA gonna get betta'. I was devastated, dismayed and downright embarrassed. How could I look my fam in the face? His family? How does a woman deal? Revenge? Retribution?
Ok. I admit. I thought about gettin' me some get back. Thought about it a WHOLE lot. But if I did do that, then who or what would I become? Could I really live with myself? The answer is...a big, fat, overweight...NO. Had to just find another way to throw away this excruciating, mind alterin' pain. But then the dark sunglasses of denial slowly begin to come off. Realized that life is full of bad stuff and worse people. There is no proper way to "dispose" or "get rid of" the obstacles or situations that torment our mind and emotions on the daily. We simply have to WALK THROUGH whatever storms are sent our way. Period. Point blank. Even though I felt like my husband was as wrong as someone puttin' pink lipstick on a monkey, I knew that I had played my part too.
After some serious prayer time and fall-on-my-face repentance, I had to seek my Lord's face and guidance. My beloved & I are still apart. Yet...I'm ok with that. Fa real. No frontin' here. Now don't get me wrong. Being away from him has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Wouldn't want to do it again. But the rewards have been SO worth it. It's given me a chance to rediscover who I am NOW. Yes, this experience has changed me. But for the better. I don't go around bashin' my hubby and sayin' all kinds of foul thangs. Don't hate him...just hate WHAT he did and HOW he did it. Despite all the heartache, my life is still so full of joy and wide eye expectation. Thank you Heavenly Father for the gift of life and FORGIVENESS. To my beautiful husband, all your past mistakes and choices have been WIPED OUT. I bear no ill will or feelings.
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