My Date With Larry Lunchmeat

Once upon some Saturdays ago, I decided that I would visit one of the many social networking websites in which I am a member. What can I say? I was bored. Was looking for a little cerebral stimulation.




Anywhooo... I was checkin my messages when what to my wondering eyes did appear? Why, it was the IM window telling me that some unsuspecting gentleman wanted a piece of my time right then and there. I noticed his picture and was neither impressed nor revolted. That could be a good thing, right? I mean, one doesnt have to look like Reggie Bush in order to have decent, stimulating conversation, right? (Although that would be a MAJOR perk). I decided to go for it. Our conversation started off basic: name, age, blah, blah, blah. You know. Typical stuff. Nothing earth shattering. I decided to check out his profile page while we were in the heated throes of IMing. Larry (not his real name) had a few pictures avaialble for a woman's viewing pleasure. Since we lived in the same area, he asked me if I would like to accompany him out for that evening. Uh, don't think so Mr. Eager McBeaver!!



After a few more minutes I told him that I would have to bid him adieu. He revealed to me that he would like to continue the convo later on. He gave me his number. A couple of hours later, I decided to give Larry a buzz. We proceeded to dish on various subjects:kids, marriage, so on and so forth. I'm assuming by this time he was feeling a little more daring because he proceeded to ask me out for the night AGAIN. I mean, you got to give it to the guy. He was persistent, if nothing else. I thought "what the h-e-double hockey sticks? I'll give it a shot." What's the worst that could happen?? I could end up sliced and diced in a food processor since I'm about to go out with a man I barely know. But hey! There's nothing like a potential crazed serial killer to add a little spice to the weekend!!



After poring over the cinema's mundane selections we finally decided on one. Since I wasnt crazy about the idea of this guy knowing where I lay my head at night, I decided to meet him outside of his home. As I am finally ready for this improptu date, I curiously begin to wonder: "Is this guy going to be the same gentleman that I saw in those pics or will it end up being his cousin Jaheim from Philly?" Way to think positive girl!! I arrive at Larry's humble abode. My heart is pumping above the legal limit. I ring the doorbell...(Jaws theme song playing in backround)...I fluff out my hair...(Music louder now)...Tapping my foot..FINALLY!!! THE MOMENT WE ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!!! HE OPENS THE DOOR AND...(Collective sigh). I want to cry. I want to run back to my car. I'm even willing to tell this guy that I have a serious case of the hershey squirts just to get out of this date. What's the prob you might ask?



Let's just say that he looks very similiar to this fictitious name that I have given him. I decided to just go for it since:(a) I kinda wanted to see this movie anyway and wasnt going to have to pay (b) Was looking kinda cute with a side helping of scrumptious. The ride to the theatre was pleasant enough while the sounds of Lil Wayne and Drake provided our backround. In the middle of the flick, my date asked if he could hold my hand. C'mon dude, are you serious? I sucked in a serious gust of air and mumbled incoherently. Well, then he wants to lay his head all up on my shoulder! I'm like "Sorry Tito but this isnt that kind of party." We headed back to the house so that I could get to my car, QUICKLY. By this time, I've had it. I did my charity work for the month. He had the conversational skills of a ficus plant. He was overly critical of my "dark" nail polish. Once the car stops, I almost twisted my ankle trying to get out. I think that his radar picked up on the fact that I was turned off by both his personality AND his looks. He gingerly asked if I was going to come in for a minute or just go home.



Ok. Now my stomach is screaming "toilet please." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and agreed that I would come in for a minute. Curse me and my gelatin heart!!! After about 15 minutes, I told him that I needed to leave. You'll never guess what came next...Well, maybe you can...He tried to...(fanning my hand in front of my face)..KISS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Needless to say, I declined as politely as possible. I mean, I know he's a man and the whole fragile ego thing. Thankfully, I managed to escape with most of my sanity in tact.