If Drama Were Vodka...

....my family would be tow'-down-throwin-up-in-the-glove-compartment-of-the-car WASTED!!!!





 We have over-the-counter-medication for headaches, backaches. Shoot, we even have medicine for those embarrassing hershey squirt moments. Yet, can anything be perscribed for a massive drama overdose? Man, these kids are makin' me wanna do a swan dive off the Brooklyn Bridge wearing a tiara, lead boots and a grass skirt. *Deep guttural sigh*.
Yes, it's just THAT bad.
Let me break it down.




My 19 y.o. daughter and her hubby are living with me. Here's why. Back in the summer, my child decided that she wanted to perfect her stabbing skills on their mattress. My spooked son-in-law called 5-0. As a result of this incident (and other things) the state removed my grandaughter from their care. Child Protective Services told them that in order to get her back that they would need to move closer to me. We figured that they could move in with me for a hot second while they look for their own lil' love shack.
Seems simple enough, right?


 

I respect the fact that my seed is grown. However, I was always raised to believe that when you cohabitatin' in someone else's humble abode that you should follow whatever their rules are. Yeah, well...not her. She feels like she should be the exception. One of the guidelines that I set was that if they got to fussin' & feudin', then they would need to take that OUTDOORS.The reason being is because their arguments can quickly escalate like they auditionin' for some new ratchet reality series. Chile' I ain't got time to be refereein' no fights!! I've got 3 other children to see about!




Monday night. Just got finished havin' some sexy time with my handsome hubby. Sittin' back up in the cut just chillin'...relaxin'. Next thing I hear is a cross between a moose mating call and somebody hollerin'. I jumped up and asked my oldest son what that noise was. Regretably, he told me that it was my daughter and her hubby havin' a fight. Again. Doors slammin'. Bumpin' and thumpin' of someone runnin' up and down the stairs. What in the name of Santa Claus is goin' on out there??!! Plus, my two youngest kids were asleep too!! Awwww...HECK NAWL!!!
This isn't the first time I've had to remind them not to do all that carryin'on in front of my other kids. Each one always blames the other. Well, I've just about had it. As per our agreement, if they continued to violate the guidelines, then I would be at liberty to give them their 2 week notice. Which I did.




My daughter than proceeds to try raise her voice at decibels that was WAY too high. Tryin' to tell me how it wasn't her fault. The hubby is to blame...she says. Chile' please. Tell it to Judge Joe Brown cuz I ain't tryin' to hear it! Based on my decision, my mom thinks that I'm Desdemona, the devil's daughter. At this point, I'm not sure I really care anymore. Over the years, her bad decisions and choices have had us to report her as a runaway. Call the cops on numerous occassions for her dangerous behavior. My mom just had to bail her out of jail back in the summer! When does it end?
Pardon my loose lips, but...I'm tired of residing at 111 Drama Drive right up the street from Tragedy Turnpike. I want peace in my life and that of my family. Is that so wrong?

Someone PLEASE Call 911!

Why Wyclef....WHY??!! How could he throw Lauryn under the Greyhound bus like that?  Somebody get this man a bottle of Immodium AD cuz clearly he has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth! I'm sayin'. The Fugees went their own separate ways back in 1997. Here it is 2012. If he felt like Lauryn treated him like a 2 dollar giglolo workin' a hot dog stand, why didn't he sound off about it then? WHY NOW??!





This situation truly got my sista' gurl wheels-a-turnin'.  What is Wyclef "Why Ya -Wanna-Do-Me-Wrong" up to? It all of a sudden hit me like a pimp slap from Ike Turner. Could he possibly be regurgatatin' all this old news to try to get some public interest in his new tell all book? These are some straight-with-no-chaser sissified shannigans!! How he gone put L Boogie on blast (and not to mention his WIFE at the time) by talkin' about this so called tantalizin' and torrid affair in which he thought he had gained a love child ? Wellllll...looks like Rohan was rockin' and knockin' dem boots too!!




Wyclef was dead-in-the-water wrong for this one. Could he not have kept his big piranha pothole shut? Are book sales really all that serious that you got to air out your dirty drawers for the whole world to see? I guess it is true what the rap group Divine Sounds said:
" It might sound sad...
It might sound funny...
BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR MONEYYYYYYYYYY!!"

Mind Blowin' Decisions

"Lawdy, Lawdy look who just turned 40!"
I can remember when my sweeter-than-a sugar-sundae husband said this phrase to me.
Wanted to punch him so hard that he swallowed his eyeballs and coughed up his eyelashes!
I mean, who did he think he was??!!
Just cuz  my luv muffin is a couple years younger don't mean that he ain't gettin' older too!!
(Yes, I'm a proud resident of Cougarville..and..what??)
Even though he was tryin' to be fabulously funny like a badly manufactured Mike Epps, it got me to thinkin'.






I've got a wonderfully wacked out 19 y.o. queen who just got hitched and now has a lil' bambino of her own.
My king-in-training just graduated and is on his way to higher education.
Also have two younger ones who won't stay kids forever.
The question is...where does that leave me?
Yes, I do have a sexy, smack-ya-lips, generously gifted hubby who is very supportive.
Yet, I often wonder what else am I supposed to be doin'?
Am I SUPPOSED to be doin' anything else?





I know that I shouldn't compare myself with my homies, but..I just can't help it!
My friends that I grew up with back home seem to be really makin' it happen.
They takin' luxury trips. Gettin' paid well on their jobs. Nice homes and families.
When I break it all down, I realize somethin'.
Our lives are distinctively different because of the choices we made.
They made a decision to finish college like somebody with good sense. I chose to drop out and play house and have babies that I couldn't afford.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I had stayed on that professional track.
Would I have become that head shrink that I always dreamed of?





Where would I have been livin'? Would I have been pushin' that winter white Benz with the buttery leather seats and wood grain interior?
Chile' who knows? It's anybody guess.
Havin' said that, here's what I discovered.
Despite all the wrong turns and detours I've made on this rugged and rough road we call life, I feel like Ralph must've felt like on Christmas Story when he finally got that BB gun he was trickin' to get.
Blissfully, wonderfully, ridiculously, smilin' so-hard-that the-corners-of-your-mouth-crack HAPPY.
Ya know, a lil' sumptin' like this:





I mean, why wouldn't I be? I've got a spouse who not only makes me drool, babble and hiss like a garden snake in heat, but he's also my bestest friend this side of the Alamo.
I mean...he's like the collard greens to my hamhocks.
He's like..like..Herb to my Peaches.
Seriously..he's like..ok, you get it.
My offspring are healthy and thriving.
Let my daytime drama be a lesson.
Try to make sound decisions the FIRST time.
Let's face it. One wrong choice can alter your life in ways you can't control or imagine.
If one isn't careful, he or she could spend the rest of their days tryin' to play catch up.
Plus, let's be real. Who has that kind of time?