Could My Day Get Any BETTER??!!

Look, I KNOW that's it pretty early in the day....but umm...would anyone object to me havin' a lil' mornin' 'intoxicant'?
I needs me a lil' liquid courage right about now (throwin' back an imaginary shot glass).
Ahhhh, that's good.
Well, what you waitin' on? Sit on down so I can tell you what happened!!
Woke up feelin' mighty proud of myself. I mean, hey. I actually woke up before my annoyin' alarm clock started blastin' off!
Son got off to summer school ok.
Well, I figured I had a few minutes to kill before my lil' cherub let her presence be known.
Sooo...I kicked back and started catchin' up on my Law & Order: LA episodes.



About 20 minutes later, I could tell that my daughter was up and ready to start her day.
I began my trek up the steps.
Sniff-sniff.
Oh no.
Oh Lawd, please no.
My steps start slowin' down.
I'm catchin' a serious case of the screwface.
DAMN.
I round the corner and...




WHY??!! What did I do wrong?
I bet it's cuz I didn't go to church yesterday.
I look in her room.
WHAT IN THE BLUE F*C*??!!
It looked like a herd of elephants took a crap on her floor and started square dancin' throughout her space AND our family room.
Oh, did I forget to mention that we have OFF WHITE CARPET??!!
Man....I... (breathin' through the side of my mouth)
Let me just 'splain' somethin' real quick.
My little girl has autism.
She's six years young and..
She's not potty trained and..well..
Guess the designated poopy-picker-upper better get to work before my whole house starts smellin' like the San Diego Zoo.
I swear on my Grandma Van's false teeth, that it don't even look like Resolve gone be able to get these stains out.
Heavy sigh.

I'm Just NOT Ready!!

Am I bein' selfish?
Probably. Not interested in bein' politically correct today. Yeah, I might end up soundin' like a bad mamacita. But ya know what? I'm just gonna have to take that chance. Those with hearts and emotions with the constitution of warm jello, might quickly want to make their escape. Sigh. Come. Let me show you what's got my mind spinnin' and spiralin' out of control.



I'm gonna be a GRANDMA!!!! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!!(stompin' my feet.)
Yeah, yeah. I could be like this cool grammy in the picture who is able to perform amazing acrobatic feats. But....I'm.Just.Not.Ready. (No, I'm not ready to be a grandmother or to kick my leg up like that). Anywhooters, there are a couple of reasons why I'm feelin' like a grumpy gram gram.

1. My daughter is only 18.-She just graduated in May. C'mon now. My lil' mama is young. What's even more like a rabbit punch to the gut is that she got preggers on PURPOSE. Why would she take a chance on forfeiting her destiny? Silly girl.




2. Her maturity level rivals that of a 12-13 y.o. kid- I understand that she is now considered an adult. Legally. However, when it comes to being responsible and conducting herself like a grown up..well...let me give you an example.

11:30 PM. earlier this week.

Phone ringing.

Me: (irritated tone) Yes Nadia. How can I help you?

Nadia: Are you asleep?

Me: Yes! You know that I have to get your brother up early for summer school.

Nadia: Why are you asleep so early?

**Crickets chirping**

Me:Nadia...WHAT..DO..YOU..WANT??!! I'm sleepy and WANT TO GO TO BED!!

Nadia: But Mom, I wanted to talk to you about the Spongebob Squarepants Movie!

Me: (dead silence while blinking rapidly) Goodnight Nadia.

3. **She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder- Living with someone that suffers from this destructive disorder is like riding the Goliath roller coaster at Six Flags. Once you get on, you know you're gonna hit those deep, steep hills...just not sure WHEN its gonna happen. Her moods are strangely similiar. Up and down. A twist here. A 50 ft drop there. Its gotten so severe, that she's had to be hospitialized more times than I have fingers and toes. It's scary to see my daughter suffer like this. Imagine her tryin' to be accountable for an itty bitty one with this dark cloud loomin' over her. Frightening.

As a result of her pregnancy, her doctor has had to stop her from taking one of her meds. So far so good. You know, I didn't make the choices that have ultimately put her in this sad situation. Yet when you love someone, sometimes their struggles will become your own. Even though you didn't ask for it.

Grow Up Already!!

I have a 17 year old son. He's tettering between the bridge of boyhood and the manhole of manhood. Arghh!! More often than not, he's testy, moody and brooding. His room often smells like overcooked onion stew with a side of toejam. Video games and our Netflix subscripton seem to be the only things that makes him want to rise and shine. When he finally does lumber out of his batcave, he is often whinin' and wearin' my nerves askin' why he has to get up so early. Excuse you. SINCE WHEN IS 11 IN THE DARN (Yes, I said DARN..this is serious..) MORNIN' CONSIDERED EARLY??




Just in case you didn't put two and two together my son is now a senior. SAT scores. Prom. College. I would think that my man-in-training would be excited and feelin' downright exhilarated. Think about it! Don't have to worry about Mom comin' in his domain uninvited. Girls. Gettin' to live in an apartment setting with a bunch of horny, clueless teenage dudes. Girls. LOTS.OF.GIRLS. Geez, ok. You get the idea. Wouldn't it seem like he would be ready to go slippin' and slidin' down that aisle to snatch up that diploma?

Well, he ain't!! Lawd knows I've tried to be a good mama to this boy. Offered to help him search for schools. Tried to help him find a job so that he can exercise his right to be more responsible and make a few extra buckaroonies while he's at it. Sigh. Why can't he get motivated? Why does he act like he's tryin' to walk around with lead Timberlands on?

Mama's Movie Review!!

Question. Would you be willing to put your own life at risk to get the things you've always wanted? What kinds of things would you do to get fame and fortune? What if you could get just about any beautiful bambino or handsome hunk that your heart desired? Would ya do it? If your answer was "heck yeah, fa sho', prolly or maybe," than what ya waitin' on? Ya need to hit up Netflix or Redbox and check this flick out!



I had never seen or heard of this moving picture masterpiece. Consequently, when I saw that my main man Robert Deniro was in this one, I was DEFINITELY all in! This one is about a dude who's down on his luck. I mean, his woman told him sayanora. He lives in a dump that would make the projects look like Hollywood Hills. Pathetic. But then, in comes his guardian angel wearin' a black Brook Brothers suit. Here is where the thrill ride begins and never stops.

Shut Your Pothole!!

Ever feel like your mouth is movin' at about 150 mph while your brain is strugglin' to catch up?
I have to say that I don't ALWAYS feel like Mrs. Mary Motormouth. Yet when I'm in the presence of my mama, I have more slips of the lip than a crooked politician. Sigh. Is it really a mystery as to why she ALWAYS has a sideways opinion about my choice of men and how my children are wreaking havoc?



I wish I could blame this pathetic perdicament on some sad, unsuspecting sap. Wouldn't that make my life so much more bearable? But today, I'm puttin' on my big girl briefs and ownin' up to my own flaw. I TELL MY MOM WAY MORE THAN SHE NEEDS TO KNOW. Say, do they make Immodium AD for "diarrhea of the mouth?" If so, I need to go to Wally World and stock up!!




If my daughter and I get into a girl fight, I tell my mom. When my son decided to run around the house wearin' scarves on his head and randomly beltin' out show tunes, I told my momma. (She then proceeded to break out the annointed oil and lay hands on him). How about the time my super sexy fiance made me mad enough to want to finely grind up some glass shards and coat his freshly fried tilipia with it? You'll never guess who I told? Go on, guess!! Congratulations!! If you said "my mother," you win the grand prize of $3.oo and some coupons to Little Caesar's! (Sorry, but this economic depression is affectin' my dividends).




Ya know what's so weird? I get totally ticked off when she gives me her two cents concerning my own personal daytime drama! Why in the name of wigs and weaves would I be gettin' hot for? It's my own darn fault!! If I could learn how to lasso my own lips, then my mom wouldn't offer her advice that I usually don't want to follow anyway!!



Please allow my sad situation to be a word to the wise. If you don't want people givin' out free advice regardin' your cheatin' man or dead end job, then ya might want to keep those tasty lil' tidbits to yourself!!

My Secret Garden...

Surprisingly....yes. But..should all secrets be kept silent? What about if you're in a relationship with the man or woman of your dreams? Is it ok to keep some things hidden in our closet of "classified information?" What should be kept sacred and what should be spilled like the grape kool-aid on someone's kitchen table?



Ok. I have a man. Yay me!! (clappin' hands). I'm not talkin' 'bout a -call me-at 2:45 in- da mornin'-beat- da- stuffin'- up-and-then-leave type of dude. Nah uh. This here thang is SER-I-OUS. Ya know, when you stand in front of a preacher and promise that you'll stay faithful to your sweetie all while givin' them the crooked side? Mhmm. IT'S LIKE THAT. Anywhooters, we have a somewhat..unique arrangement. See, we made some resolute relationship regulations. Here it goes. When he opens my closet, he shouldn't see any of these ghoulish guys takin' up residence:



Get the idea? NO SKELETONS. NOTHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIDDEN. In other words, he wants us to tell it ALL. I admit, it SEEMS like a good idea. But...just how PRACTICAL is it? Blame it on my worldly ways, but some secrets should NEVER see the light of day.



I know this makes me seem like I'm some sort of she-monster or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's just..well...if I feel like my secret will be like a sucker punch to his emotions, feelings and his manhood then I ain't tellin'! Hey! Sometimes men need our protection too and don't even know it!



Interestingly enough, I've found that we as women often have diarrhea-of-the mouth-syndrome. Just givin'out WAY too much intel, ya feel me? Tellin' our guys who tried to touch our butts at Club Creep-N-Sleep last weekend. Lettin' him know how many guys have tried to holla whenever we wear our black freak'em dress with the killa heels. Enough already! Yet our male counterparts often pick and choose VERY CAREFULLY what kind of secrets they will tell.
I've decided to follow suit.



Now don't get me wrong. Some secrets SHOULD be and NEED to be revealed. I think everyone has to decide that for themselves.