It Just Ain't Fair!!

Question. Will us femme fatales ever be seen as equal to our male counterparts when it comes to this slippery slope that we call "relationships?" Based on my own exploits and experiences, my answer would be a loud and resounding HECK NAWL!!!
Now, don't trip. This ain't no male bashin'-waitin-to-exhale-all-men-are-dogs kinda post (I'll get to that another day).
Nawl, what I'm writing about today is so up close and personal that you can smell what kind of breath mint I've been using. Yeah..LIKE THAT. Prepare yourself.






My hubby is very complimentary. I love that about him. Tellin' me how he likes the hip, dip and slip of my luxurious landscape. The fact that I'm a ride or die type of wife and mom. These words sound like they would tickle the eardrum of any red blooded woman, am I right? There's just one problem. He's not what one would call an equal opportunity type guy. Allow me to break it down. He feels like because he is a man, there are certain things that he is able to do but I am not.



What exactly am I talkin' about? Interactions on the Book. Facebook, that is. See, my life partner starts sweatin' and screw facin' whenever he sees some of the pics that I add to my page. He claims that he doesn't want other dudes lookin' at what belongs to him and only him. Now mind you, the only men that I have on my friends list are my relatives and his. Maybe a couple of old family friends sprinkled in here and there. Nothing major. Said that it doesn't matter. He says that men will look regardless of the relationship.





Ok. I hear what he's saying. I'm not a man so, true enough I don't know how their minds work. BUT, if that's the case then why does he get to troll through different profiles of women with names like "Mirandameltonmelikecandlewax?" Ya know the kinds of raunchy and ratchet pics where the woman's toes have committed suicide on the front of her scuffed high heel sandals and she has the nerve to have one leg cocked up on a rusty bathroom sink? Mmhmmm...exactly. Now do you see why our disagreements get so hood that they need to be uploaded to Worldstar?








Personally, I don't think it's right. Why does he feel like its ok to set the standard for me but then he has a whole 'nother set of rules for himself? He can look at women, but doesn't want men lookin' at me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but fair exchange ain't no robbery!!

Booty Flixs, FB Tricks, and MORE!!!

My hubby and I are fantastically, ridiculously, passionately, undeniably...in love. At least 75-90 % of the time. We've fought the Battle of the Baby Mamas and came out victoriously. He's seen me without my bangin' Beyonce hairpieces and hasn't went screamin'out in the street in his boxers and doorag hollerin 'bout everything he knew was a lie. In other words,we pretty much keep it a hunnid.








Now my sexy boo boo bear is not what you would call sociable. In fact, he would much rather drink muddy hot dog water than to sit 'round a whole bunch of folks shuckin' and jivin' and chit chattin' it up all night. As for me, wellllll.....I kinda fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. Whoopin' and hollerin' with a gang of my homegurls is one of the things I most enjoy doin'. Enter stage left Facebook. I loved it!! It was like gettin' together and catchin' up over a drink with old homegurls I ain't seen in a month of Sundays via internet style!! Man, this was the bizness!!! 





Being somewhat of a social standoff, my suga' dumplin' declined his ticket to ride on the FB train. Felt like there might be a lil' too much daytime drama for his taste. One day he decided to go slidin' through  my public pics that I had on display. As he goes scrollin'  down my page I hear some gruntin' and grumblin' comin' from his gut. Mmmmmm...not a good sign. He then proceeds to show and tell me what he wants me to do. My baby SHOWS me the flicks he doesn't approve of and TELLS me to delete them!! Starin' at my page, he tells me that all "back shots" aka "booty shots" need to be rubbed out and removed IMMEDIATELY. Ok, ok. I could see that. Next, my pissed off partner says that I need take down any photos that show my shape off in any form or fashion even if it wasn't a bootylicious shot. Dang! He delivered the verdict but I didn't even get a fair trial!!





Whoa now! He couldn't possibly be serious. Yet the mean mug and side eye stare let me know that he wasn't playin'. The way I saw it I had two choices. DOOR #1- Gone 'head and take them pics down so that my sexy spouse wouldn't have my head on a platter or DOOR #2- Leave them where they were and risk his wrath but possibly have really great makeup sex later. I decided to exercise my right to be rebellious and told him...no. The voice on my walkie talkie inside my conscience was screechin' and cracklin' "SHOTS FIRED!! SHOTS FIRED!!"
It was at this point that my husband and bestest friend declared...WAR.










Ahhh, yes. Just got finished takin' a nice, hot, relaxin' shower. After givin' it alot of thought (and swallowin' that huge basketball lump in my throat called PRIDE) I decided to wave the white flag of surrender. I was not only gonna take the pics down, but was willin' to deep six my account. When I walked in our bedroom he asked me how could he access HIS FB account from the Ipad. WHAT IN THE NAME OF PIG FEET AND HAIR GREASE DID HE JUST ASK ME??!! HIS FB ACCOUNT??!! It was like I had the taste and teeth knocked clean out of my mouth. No, he didn't!!!! Oh, it just got real up in this beyotch!!!







The next mornin' I woke up still somewhat swole. I grabbed my laptop to see exactly what my husband had been up to. Chile',
what I saw next made me wanna...







If this negroid don't get them broke-down-ashy-knees-Walmart-weave-wearin-lips-so-chapped-they-could-cut-glass-havin'-trashy-trick-behind-tramps off his so called friends list,then it's 'bout to get real stanky up in this piece!! Ain't that just like a man to be hypocritical??!! Now, he made me get rid of all my exes and male friends that wasn't some kin to us, but then he could turn right around and do the opposite? Chile' please. Remember those toot-it-and boot it shots my man asked me to take down before? Humph. Put 'em right back up there with the quickness plus a new one. Added some folks to my list. Honey, wasn't NOTHIN' civil 'bout this war.





This situation had escalated to nasty and skanky proportions. Sadly, neither one of us would stand down. We were both just as stubborn as Mr. Ed. Here's what I knew. We were both danglin' dangerously off a cliff and if one of us didn't call a truce, then we would go tumblin' off headfirst. I had enough. It had just gotten past redonkulous (yes, I said rendonkulous, not ridiculous). Stompin' around the crib not speakin'.Sleepin' on the edge of the bed so that no part of my body would touch his. Forget about makeup sex or sex of any kind. I had put a padlock and ball and chain on all my lovely lady lumps. Somewhere along the line I came to the conclusion that FB just wasn't worth what me and my husband were doin' to one another. I decided to shut the Book down. Later that day, he received a call from one of his people down South. She informed him that one of his baby mamas had gotten WAY out of pocket. This jealous jawn posts her convo that she had with my hubby on her page. But that ain't all.






She then proceeds to tell all her lil' FB friends that I was insecure because I told my husband that if he needed to discuss anything about their son, then she could send him a message but he did NOT need to add her as a friend. It was the same regarding my kids fathers. This chick was hotter than my 8th grade Algebra's teacher's breath cuz he let herknow what was really up. At this point, is when my carmel cream threw in the towel. He confirmed that this was way more drama then he was willing to deal with. As a result, he asked me to shut it down. Smilin' and cheesin' like Chester the Cheetah, I happily obliged. All was right in our world...again.






Let me end by speakin' this truth. This post was not meant to smash or trash FB. By no means am I sayin' that it's evil and that Mark Zuckerberg is the devil in a blue suit for even creatin' this. I actually enjoyed the time I spent on it (probably WAYYYY too much time). But when it became a threat to disintegrate the ties that my man and I had spent all these years building, well...NOTHING is worth that.

If Drama Were Vodka...

....my family would be tow'-down-throwin-up-in-the-glove-compartment-of-the-car WASTED!!!!





 We have over-the-counter-medication for headaches, backaches. Shoot, we even have medicine for those embarrassing hershey squirt moments. Yet, can anything be perscribed for a massive drama overdose? Man, these kids are makin' me wanna do a swan dive off the Brooklyn Bridge wearing a tiara, lead boots and a grass skirt. *Deep guttural sigh*.
Yes, it's just THAT bad.
Let me break it down.




My 19 y.o. daughter and her hubby are living with me. Here's why. Back in the summer, my child decided that she wanted to perfect her stabbing skills on their mattress. My spooked son-in-law called 5-0. As a result of this incident (and other things) the state removed my grandaughter from their care. Child Protective Services told them that in order to get her back that they would need to move closer to me. We figured that they could move in with me for a hot second while they look for their own lil' love shack.
Seems simple enough, right?


 

I respect the fact that my seed is grown. However, I was always raised to believe that when you cohabitatin' in someone else's humble abode that you should follow whatever their rules are. Yeah, well...not her. She feels like she should be the exception. One of the guidelines that I set was that if they got to fussin' & feudin', then they would need to take that OUTDOORS.The reason being is because their arguments can quickly escalate like they auditionin' for some new ratchet reality series. Chile' I ain't got time to be refereein' no fights!! I've got 3 other children to see about!




Monday night. Just got finished havin' some sexy time with my handsome hubby. Sittin' back up in the cut just chillin'...relaxin'. Next thing I hear is a cross between a moose mating call and somebody hollerin'. I jumped up and asked my oldest son what that noise was. Regretably, he told me that it was my daughter and her hubby havin' a fight. Again. Doors slammin'. Bumpin' and thumpin' of someone runnin' up and down the stairs. What in the name of Santa Claus is goin' on out there??!! Plus, my two youngest kids were asleep too!! Awwww...HECK NAWL!!!
This isn't the first time I've had to remind them not to do all that carryin'on in front of my other kids. Each one always blames the other. Well, I've just about had it. As per our agreement, if they continued to violate the guidelines, then I would be at liberty to give them their 2 week notice. Which I did.




My daughter than proceeds to try raise her voice at decibels that was WAY too high. Tryin' to tell me how it wasn't her fault. The hubby is to blame...she says. Chile' please. Tell it to Judge Joe Brown cuz I ain't tryin' to hear it! Based on my decision, my mom thinks that I'm Desdemona, the devil's daughter. At this point, I'm not sure I really care anymore. Over the years, her bad decisions and choices have had us to report her as a runaway. Call the cops on numerous occassions for her dangerous behavior. My mom just had to bail her out of jail back in the summer! When does it end?
Pardon my loose lips, but...I'm tired of residing at 111 Drama Drive right up the street from Tragedy Turnpike. I want peace in my life and that of my family. Is that so wrong?

Someone PLEASE Call 911!

Why Wyclef....WHY??!! How could he throw Lauryn under the Greyhound bus like that?  Somebody get this man a bottle of Immodium AD cuz clearly he has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth! I'm sayin'. The Fugees went their own separate ways back in 1997. Here it is 2012. If he felt like Lauryn treated him like a 2 dollar giglolo workin' a hot dog stand, why didn't he sound off about it then? WHY NOW??!





This situation truly got my sista' gurl wheels-a-turnin'.  What is Wyclef "Why Ya -Wanna-Do-Me-Wrong" up to? It all of a sudden hit me like a pimp slap from Ike Turner. Could he possibly be regurgatatin' all this old news to try to get some public interest in his new tell all book? These are some straight-with-no-chaser sissified shannigans!! How he gone put L Boogie on blast (and not to mention his WIFE at the time) by talkin' about this so called tantalizin' and torrid affair in which he thought he had gained a love child ? Wellllll...looks like Rohan was rockin' and knockin' dem boots too!!




Wyclef was dead-in-the-water wrong for this one. Could he not have kept his big piranha pothole shut? Are book sales really all that serious that you got to air out your dirty drawers for the whole world to see? I guess it is true what the rap group Divine Sounds said:
" It might sound sad...
It might sound funny...
BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR MONEYYYYYYYYYY!!"

Mind Blowin' Decisions

"Lawdy, Lawdy look who just turned 40!"
I can remember when my sweeter-than-a sugar-sundae husband said this phrase to me.
Wanted to punch him so hard that he swallowed his eyeballs and coughed up his eyelashes!
I mean, who did he think he was??!!
Just cuz  my luv muffin is a couple years younger don't mean that he ain't gettin' older too!!
(Yes, I'm a proud resident of Cougarville..and..what??)
Even though he was tryin' to be fabulously funny like a badly manufactured Mike Epps, it got me to thinkin'.






I've got a wonderfully wacked out 19 y.o. queen who just got hitched and now has a lil' bambino of her own.
My king-in-training just graduated and is on his way to higher education.
Also have two younger ones who won't stay kids forever.
The question is...where does that leave me?
Yes, I do have a sexy, smack-ya-lips, generously gifted hubby who is very supportive.
Yet, I often wonder what else am I supposed to be doin'?
Am I SUPPOSED to be doin' anything else?





I know that I shouldn't compare myself with my homies, but..I just can't help it!
My friends that I grew up with back home seem to be really makin' it happen.
They takin' luxury trips. Gettin' paid well on their jobs. Nice homes and families.
When I break it all down, I realize somethin'.
Our lives are distinctively different because of the choices we made.
They made a decision to finish college like somebody with good sense. I chose to drop out and play house and have babies that I couldn't afford.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I had stayed on that professional track.
Would I have become that head shrink that I always dreamed of?





Where would I have been livin'? Would I have been pushin' that winter white Benz with the buttery leather seats and wood grain interior?
Chile' who knows? It's anybody guess.
Havin' said that, here's what I discovered.
Despite all the wrong turns and detours I've made on this rugged and rough road we call life, I feel like Ralph must've felt like on Christmas Story when he finally got that BB gun he was trickin' to get.
Blissfully, wonderfully, ridiculously, smilin' so-hard-that the-corners-of-your-mouth-crack HAPPY.
Ya know, a lil' sumptin' like this:





I mean, why wouldn't I be? I've got a spouse who not only makes me drool, babble and hiss like a garden snake in heat, but he's also my bestest friend this side of the Alamo.
I mean...he's like the collard greens to my hamhocks.
He's like..like..Herb to my Peaches.
Seriously..he's like..ok, you get it.
My offspring are healthy and thriving.
Let my daytime drama be a lesson.
Try to make sound decisions the FIRST time.
Let's face it. One wrong choice can alter your life in ways you can't control or imagine.
If one isn't careful, he or she could spend the rest of their days tryin' to play catch up.
Plus, let's be real. Who has that kind of time?

Makes Me Wanna Holla!!!

If you REALLY wanna know how I'm feelin' 'bout my son these days..well...jus' check out Mama Mufusa's mug in the above shot. Yup. Now if she would just put her hands in her hair and pull till her roots are screamin' for mercy, that would be more accurate.
Welcome to my world.
I have the pleasure and pain of havin' a 12 y.o. son.
Ya know.
Voice octaves go from Pee Wee Herman to Barry White within 6.3 seconds.
Clearsil has become a permanent fixture in his bathroom.
Tries to be slick by sneakin' my cell and watchin' steamy skin flicks all courtsey of Youtube.
Yes suh.
Good ole puberty.



Lookin' at my phone and seein' things in the browser like" hot lip hotties"  is enough to make me wanna go runnin' in the middle of I-35 blindfolded with a shower cap and fuzzy slippers on.
Sadly though, that's only part of my daytime dilemma.
A couple of weeks ago I was seekin' and searchin' for some cold hard cash that I had left in my purse.
Hmm. Not there.
Well, that's weird.
I shook out all the old,wrinkled up tissues, out dated receipts, and clunky pennies from
my pocketbook thinkin' maybe I had just overlooked it somehow.
Still no George Washington's to be found.
Then, it hit me.



I knew my son took it. Man, I was so heated even my butt muscles was shakin'.
Here's what I knew. If I ASKED him if he took the $ he would swear on his video game collection that he hadn't seen it or messed with it.
I knew the issue had to be confronted.
Ya see, one of the things that my mom had always taught us was that if a person lies, they will sho' 'nuff steal.
I never wanted to believe that. Especially about my own kids.
However, I knew my seed was one of the biggest liars this side of the Rio Grande.
All that evening, I kept puttin' it off and puttin' it off.
Just didn't feel like talkin' 'bout nothin' else negative cuz it's ALWAYS somethin' with him, ya know?
Anywhooters, I knew that I couldn't delay the inevitable.
THE TIME HAD COME.



I told him that I knew that he took the money. At first he tried to deny it (big surprise there).
Eventually he revealed that the reason that he had "sticky fingers sydrome" is because he wanted to prove to the other kids that he wasn't a nice kid after all.
Wow. Seriously?
Although I am somewhat sympathetic towards the plight of preteens and them tryin' to get in where they fit in, this was still unacceptable.
I grounded him and took away privileges.
Hoenstly though, it really doesn't seem like it phased him cuz somedays he comes home from school with unaccounted for "gifts" that "some girl in the hallway" gave him.
AAARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE??!!!

Shocked And Surprised!!

There I was.
Casually crusin' the internet interstate lookin' for tantalizing topics of discussion when I decided to make a pit stop here: http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/


Couldn't believe what I was readin'.
Was this guy for real?
He took the subject of "steppin' out on your mate" to a brand new level.
Givin' us gurls a blow-by-blow(no pun intended) blueprint of how we can indeed have our cake and eat it too.





Y'all gonna have to 'scuse me but it's 'bout to get REAL funky up in here.
Check this out.
Cheatin' is WRONG.
PERIOD.

•I don't care if you're a NFL OR NBA baller.



•Doesn't matter if you can make an individual orgasmically combust from all the cash you may have in your bank accounts.



•It's irrelevant if you've got game good enough to make him or her " leave the one their with to start a new relationship with you."



•Don't care if you've got boobs big enough to end world hunger.

It just...AINT. RIGHT.



I'm about to take a hard left with this convo so hang on tight.
Any man who has big enough walnut sacs to call a woman out her name because she chooses to
"test drive" a different model car than the one she has sittin' at home, can politely kiss my San Andreas Fault line.
Now.
I ain't sayin' that ole' girl is livin' right.
But damn y'all.
What happened to equal opportunity?
Why she gotta be called skank?
Chickenhead?
Bitch?
How 'bout stankin' azz ho?
If a lady is all of these thangs, than what does that make a man who's gettin' down and dirty just like the sista' is?