Congratulate Me!! I'm A Daddy!!

Nah, it's not a misprint. No you guys, I didn't go to the far regions of Brazil so that I could anonymously have my gender changed and rearranged. That's right. I am a lady. An empress. A force to be reckoned with. A fiercely fabulous femme fatale. More importantly, this tigress plays an essential dual role in the lives of her four cubs. By my own standards, I sometimes resent that fact. I mean, how is it possible for ME to be some body's Papa? I'm not a man and nor do I want to be. A mom and dad are clearly supposed to play different roles in this production that we call PARENTHOOD. Yet by default, my 2 men-in-training are depending on me to school them on what it takes to have testicles and an over abundant amount of testerone.

I swear on my Aunt Juanita's wig piece that I didn't sign up for this. Now, don't go calling Child Protective Services trying to sling accusations that I'm an unfit parent. It's not like that. Listen y'all. Being a mamacita has been a phenomenal journey of sorts. My Creator has bestowed on me 4 irreplaceable gifts in which I could never repay Him for. BUT, on the black hand side though, this passage through parenthood has been OVERWHELMING at times. My teen queen is so severely schizo affective that the state has had to remove her from our residence.My youngest angel is autistic and has no speech. My 15 y.o. Prince Charming is cantankerous and struggles with an addiction to porn. Damn. Can a sista catch a break? I know you must have asked yourself this a milli times, right? WHERE IS THEY DADDY AT? Lol. Well, he has decided to chuck my babies the peace sign and take the scenic route out of their lil lives. Sigh. Taking on the part of a father implies masculinity and I represent femininity to the core. I do not aspire to be something that I was not CREATED to be. Yet, here I am am like so many other single mami's who have to wear not only the apron but the jock strap as well. (Bowing my head in a moment of silence).

I would like to present to you the most important fixtures in my existence:

Overexposed/Overrated

Her momma must be so proud. I mean, her baby gurl has made it BIG. She helped launch her own reality series on the idiot box. Currently dating one of the finest running backs in the history of the NFL. When you're standing in the checkout line at Walmart, her face is plastered on just about every entertainment mag there is out there. She's gets monetarily compensated to primp and pose in front of the camera lens with ultra tight clothing while the world gets a birds eye view of her overexposed assets. What a life!! And all she had to do was star in her own homemade skin flick while "ain't that Brandy's brotha?"(Ray J) tapped that tootsie roll from every angle and direction. She tearfully claimed that the steamy tape had been "leaked." But she managed to walk away from that lawsuit with a cool and icy $ 5 mill. Bet was she was crying a river all the way to the bank, huh? Cha-ching!!


Ok. So how did Ray Ray benefit from all of this torrid hot sex and scandal? Hmm. Well, he did a couple of tv interviews where he admitted that Kim was indeed the one who had initial control of the do-it-yourself porno. Besides that, MTV also sponsored his lame, somebody -please-shoot-me reality soap opera. Yawn. Oh, but wait. He did get to take a few romps in the sheets with the Queen of Crack(Whitney Houston) herself. Boy, I tell you. What young man doesn't aspire to be a cougar's conquest for a couple of months, eh? What a world!!



Even though I'm not the acting prez of Kim K's fan club, I'm not a hater. I believe in giving props where it fits in. I think she's pretty and she also has a physique that's hard to ignore. She's got a hot fudge-perfectly proportioned and toned-Adonis who has publically claimed her as his boo boo. I don't know yall. Maybe I need to call my old bf Haneef and have him blow the dust off our sweaty sheet escapades that we caught on tape. Hey, you never know. Maybe one day ya'll might see my name up in lights!! Worth a shot, don't you think??

What's Up With Morgan Freakman? I mean Freeman?

I was doing about a buck 50 down the internet superhighway. Feeling a little worn out, I decided to take a much needed pit stop at a blacktainment website. I was starving for a steaming, heaping plate of celebrity he said she said. The first headline I saw made my eyeballs bleed and my brain call earl. Nah. It wasn't about Lil Wayne and his car load of concubines. Sorry.But that saga really wasn't jaw dropping to me. What I saw was much more heinous. Disappointing. Disheartening. This headline screamed and hollered from the rooftop that Morgan Freeman was allegedly accused of banging the back out of his step granddaughter. SMH.



According to the gossip trail, Mr. Freakman (sorry, Mr. Freeman) and his now ex spouse had a relationship where they could get they freak on with different playmates. (They know they mamas wouldn't have stood for that bull ish!!) Apparently, his step granddaughter had called the former Mrs. and poured out her guts about what was going down behind closed doors. She allegedly reports that she had given Morgan some sexy pics of her hoping that would get his libido down to an acceptable level. Supposedly, this wasnt enough for Sir Freakiness. According to an insider, he's been fornicating with this chica since she was in her teens.



I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions. I mean, it could just be a bowl of shocking untruths stirred up by the public's need for a juicy drama full of lust and intrigue. But, I actually admired this dude. From the days that he costarred in the 70's show the Electric Company to his Oscar studded performance in Million Dollar Baby (which really wasnt all that hot to me), he seemed to keep his nose free of scandalous debris for all these years up until just recently. I'm saying though. If this IS true, why did it have to be her? The man is a Hollywood Don. Even though his looks are somewhat overly ethnic, I'm sure he still could have had his share of women based on his name and fame alone. Not to mention the fact that Morgan is 7 decades old with a 2 piece on the side!! In the name of catfish and grits...his STEP GRANDDAUGHTER??

Songs That make Me Shiver/Shake

Jill Scott. Talented.Versatile. Classy.Sista gurl. She's the epitome of what I want to be when I grow up. Her fusion style I can only describe as fried neo soul with a creamy side helping of jazz with a nice refreshing glass of spoken word. Mmmmmmhmmm. This week's musical score that makes my knees shake and quiver like cafeteria jello is ....(drum roll)..



CROWN ROYAL included on her cd entitled Jill Scott: The Real Thing Words And Sounds Vol. 3



Someone told me that this intoxicant goes down real smooth like. Let's just say that the person that told me this little white lie is no longer in my circle. That liquid mind altering substance burned my chest cavity so bad that I spewed up FIRE AND BRIMSTONE. Smokey The Bear had to come and pay me a visit (hanging my head in shame)

I'm An Equal Opportunity Playa/ E.O.P.

I was chattin it up with my best bud through online correspondence. Ya know good ole email. Unfortunately, we can't talk retina to retina because he is sailing the ocean blue protecting our seaways from enemies both near and far. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a MIGHTY good man!! Ahem. Sorry. To protect his privacy (and to save a tongue lashing later on) I won't use his real name. Let's just call him...Reggie. I relayed to Reg that I had come in contact with a new victim..I mean gentleman. I described to my com padre that the relationship that I had with this new guy was far from serious but closer to casual. Sigh. True to male form, he assumed that me and this new brother were tearing up headboards and becoming stockholders with the Trojan Brand Condoms Company.


Damn. How does he know me so well? But just like a child who's been caught with their hand in the cookie jar...I denied that laid back aspect of my new found fling. Reg then asked how I was feeling about this newbie. I politely informed him that I really felt..nothing. Kinda like looking at a blank piece of paper. I mean, this guy just doesn't move me except in the boudoir. I mean he has the skills of a professional porn star. I'm talking real here. When he puts his fries with my shake,(vigorously shaking my head) I lose all sense of time and space. I instructed my partner in crime that if my new friend didn't have a gold medal in the pole vault competition, than I would have given him his pink slip already. In other words, HIS PURPOSE IS MERELY TO QUENCH MY SEXUAL APPETITE AND THIRST AT MY DISPOSAL.

I mean, is that so terrible? Is this like asking someone to sacrifice their first born? Reggie thought so. His response was scathing. Harsh. To say I was shocked and throwed is the understatement of the year. He told me that a man's ultimate purpose in life is not to be used. He than began questioning our own interconnection. He asked me to tell him what my intentions were for him. Oh my Becky. Where in the cosmos is this all stemming from? Ok. Since I consider myself a Henney with no coke kind of chick, I gotta mention this. Sigh. Reg and I had an intimate encounter of the best kind about a month and a half ago. It only happened once. Things got kinda freakish for a minute after that. But shoot, I thought we were back on the good foot. I told him that he would always be my best friend no matter what. I made it known that I do like to sample more than one flavor of ice cream at a time. Ironically, he has chosen to walk down the same path. I mean he loudly proclaims from the rooftops that he loves being a bachelor. I don't condemn him for his lifestyle choice. Why should he poo poo on mine?

Songs That Make Me Shiver/Shake

I thought that I would add a lil flavor to this mix. Rather than drone on and on about the interesting twists and turns on the highway of my life, I thought we might take a...detour if you will. Music. Music is the connection that keeps me electrified. It helps keep me balanced when everything around me is uneven. It's my safe haven. Music..ok..never mind you get the idea. Lol. Every week I will share with you some tunes that just move me in a way that leaves me bankrupt for the proper words. Do me a solid though. PLEASE don't look at the title on the vid and decide that you automatically don't like it because you haven't heard of the song or because you don't like that particular artist. Open yourself up. Get ready to receive. You never know. One of these acoustic masterpieces might end up being your wedding song. Hey! It could end up serenading you and your special one while yall are busting suds in the kitchen or sweating something fierce in the sheets. Hang on and enjoy!!!

This week's pick is....
I'D RATHER GO BLIND BY BEYONCE KNOWLES (SOUNDTRACK FOR CADILLAC RECORDS)



I have to give it straight Henney with no coke. This wasn't one of my all time fav flicks. But I gotta give to my girl. She rocked this song from the bottom of her soul to the crown of that hot -and spicy-mess - of a wig she's wearing. Tell Jay how you feel Bey.

Xperiencing Xstasy...

Fingertips glide..slide..over my skin...
Panting...losing..breath...dizzy..
Eyes rolling...
Mind drifting through a vast ocean of pleasurable pain...
I'm floating between sanity and distraction...
But I don't want to be rescued..
This feeling is..
I cant...(eyesight blurry)
I need...(pant)...
I want you to...(sigh)...
What...are ..you..doing..to...me...?
You are...
Insatiably incredible...
Your lips are...
decadently delicious...
Yessssss...
Light, gentle, soft...

Don't stop..kissing me..
Wait...
No..
What are you doing?
Your lips are...
diving lower...
oh...oh..
(hands clenching sheets)
That's' my spot baby...
(Eyes clenched)
Lawd yes...
Your tongue is ticklin and teasin my ...
Twin peaks...
Rising and falling...
My fingernails claw...scratch...
My nipples have never been so hard yet..so sensitive..
Electric currents of deadly proportions are flashing throughout my temple...
I'm thrashing around like my body is going into shock...
This only inflames you more..encourages you to..
Explore my terrain even further...
Yesssss..
I like it Daddy...
Please...
I can't...
Oh baby..baby..baby..
(Gut sucking gasp)
You found it...
My Pandora's box..
My secret alcove...

I feel a melody being played...
Your tongue is... gently strumming the strings on my guitar...
This song has never been played
Quite like this...
My legs have your head in a death grip..not even the jaws of life can save you now...
I'm...slowly...losing...consciousness...
I need it now love...
I need that elixir of life...
I need your billy club to beat me back to life...
(Silence)
WHOAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Yeah baby..that's what I'm talkin 'bout!!!
No more flowery words or gentle speech...
I want to be FUCKED...
Right now.. at this moment...I'm not your lady...
I'm your private ho...
Your personal bitch...
Make it run deep...
Plunge it in..
Yeahhhhh...push it further..
So hard that my kidneys get poked through my nose...
Mhmmm..
I love the smells....
We don't need no incense..no aromatherapy candle bullshit..
Just the fragrance of your dick doing butterfly strokes in my kitty...
That's right...
Look at me when you hittin this...
Let me slap that azz while you poundin that pipe...
Damn baby...
We sweatin like 2 hookers in church...
Don't turn on the AC..
I wanna taste your sweat..feel it run a river...
Down the bridge of my nose...along my breastbone..
Oh you think you the man now, huh?
Shut up....
Get on your back...
I got a few tricks of my own...